When a relationship falls apart, there is always a lot of questions to be answered. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with them? Where did it all go wrong? Could we have done more? And in answering these questions, we always come up with answers we probably already knew deep down anyway.
My husband and are separating and it's a mutual decision. We haven't ever really been functional to be honest but there has been love. Unfortunately though we've now gotten to the stage when it's love for the wrong reasons and not necessarily being IN love. Whatever his reasons for wanting this separation, I can't really be sure because to be honest he never talks about how he feels. For me though it's a combination of things, one of which is that he's not really the person I've always wanted him to be, or hoped he would be.
If you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I'm looking for the Disney dream, for the Happily Ever After, for a ride off into the sunset. Whilst this might be partly true, the real truth is a lot simpler than that. All I really want is to be happy and to have someone who at least attempts to get to know me, to understand me and above all of course to love me.
One of the things that has always hurt me is how little my husband seems to know me over certain things and how uninterested he is to learn. Like for example; knowing that when I'm upset, sometimes all it takes is a hug - or that when you make an effort or get a haircut, it would be nice for it to be noticed, rather than taken for granted.
The reason I titled this post ironic is because of the two examples I gave. A week or so ago, my husband asked me if I'd had my hair cut - even though all I'd done was wash it - and that it looked nice. The irony being that I actually don't remember the last time he told me I looked nice (but actually that was going to be a whole post in itself). And tonight the thing that inspired this post - a hug.
This weekend has been very emotional for me. I've pretty much spent the last 2 days packing all of his things up, ready for him to move out. It's been emotional for a lot of reasons really; relief, loss, fear, etc. and it's been pretty tough to get through. I've cried a lot and freaked out a lot but mostly I've just felt sad. 7 years of relationship is a lot to say goodbye to and a lot to pack away in boxes. Having our 2 children, owning our own restaurant, the holidays we've been on, the things we've shared. The highs, the lows and all the in-between. Whilst I know that we can't be together any more and that we'll both be happier this way, it's hard to let it go.
On top of that I've had to tell our eldest daughter what's happening and watch her cry too. Holding yourself together for someone else's sake is easy but then when that's gone - when the kids are in bed - what reason is there not to just fall apart.
When my husband got home from work tonight, we spoke briefly about things; moving out, how we felt, how we presumed the other person felt etc. Needless to say I ended up in tears. And here is the irony. Whenever I have been upset in the past, a hug is rarely offered. When I've even said that I need a hug, it's actually rarely offered. Tonight, within seconds if me getting upset, he asked if I wanted a hug. And for a brief second, I caught myself wishing that things had been different, that he'd taken the time to understand me and to care about what I needed. But the moment passed quickly and I knew that this separation was about much more than a hug. About much more than what we think we need from a partner.
So here's some more irony for you - why when you have someone who cares, even if only a little, would you swap it for (possible) eternal loneliness? Is a bad relationship better than no relationship? Obviously I don't really know the answer to this at the moment but I'm hoping the answer is no. I'm doing all this for the possibility of more... and yes there is a chance that I might not meet anyone else who cares, even just a small amount - but at least now I have the possibility, the opportunity, the openness to find out. I just hope that in the long run, that is the right choice.
Location:Lincoln,United Kingdom
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