Freedom

William Wallace once said (or at least according to the movie) "You can take our lives, but you'll never take our freedom." This is how I feel today.

I am currently lying in bed, typing on my iPhone, on an app that cost me a couple of quid to be able to do that. I'm not especially tired, but have decided that going to sleep is one of the few sane options left for me.

Living with my husband, whilst not actually being together with my husband is a very complicated matter. On a good day, it's being careful not to use cute nicknames or giving hugs on departure. On bad days it's resisting the urge to create huge fights by saying what you really think and preferably not stabbing each other. Today is a bad day. Today I feel like I might explode with everything I want to scream at him. I feel like if I start then I might never stop and I know the repercussions won't be worth it in the long run.

They say that a "Drunk man's words are a Sober man's thoughts" but if this is true I have been living a very unhappy lie for far too many years now. When my husband drinks he becomes a very different person and in truth, 90% of the time, not a very nice person. Since we've officially called it a day, he has taken to drinking more and more. In all honesty I always felt he had a drinking problem to begin with, but now with no one to nag and no one to moan, he is making his way through about 8 bottles of beer a night and 2 incredibly large glasses of brandy. It is partly because of this, that I find myself here, alone with my thoughts.

Anyway this post was supposed to be about freedom and I seem to have gotten myself a little side tracked. Marriage and relationships are a lot like the William Wallace quote. Whilst we give our lives to the relationship, we never completely give our freedom away. Whilst at times it may very much feel like it, the fact is we are all only victims of our own choices.

Today I got a car. After being carless for about 8 weeks - for pretty much the first time since I passed my test at 18 - I finally have this freedom again. Now I am claiming all of my freedom back, one piece at a time.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone