Tuesday 3 January 2012

New Year Resolutions

So I never did get around to updating and in all honesty, this isn't that update either. Its now (only just) 3rd January 2012. Well over a year since I officially became "seperated" and "single".

I thought I pretty much had it together. I hadn't been with anyone else - not on a date, not a kiss, no sex, nothing. I was learning to just be happy being me and I'd basically decided I wasn't looking for someone else to share my life with. I was genuinely content.

I mean yes, I could do with more money - but who couldn't right? It would be nice not to worry whether the rent was going to get paid each month, whether I can take the girls out to dinner, and how much Christmas will kill me - but like I said, most people have those issues. I was happy with my life for the most part.

In this last month (and therefore last year), I have come to the realisation that I am still just as sad and pathetic as always. I still lose my heart far too easily, I still let my heart run my head and my emotions run too high. I went on a date. I had sex. Both events, though with different people, have left me more of a mess than I might ever have imagined. How is it at thirty two, men/feelings/life can still hurt so much?

So whilst I rarely bother to make New Year Resolutions, since they never get kept, here are mine:
To remember-
Don't rush in. Keep a distance. Stay uninvolved. Try not to feel. Be sure.
No matter how perfect someone might seem on paper, everyone has their faults.
Love and Lust are two very different things. That said, there is no such thing as sex without emotions.
If you do something that could possibly complicate things, the chances are it will. Save the issues and just don't do it to begin with.

On top of all these things, I'm sure there are a bundle of "be nice to people", "like yourself more", "lose weight" and so forth, so I won't even get into those. If nothing else, this post will act as a reminder to me, that even after over a year of being by myself and thinking I'm dealing with things, my heart is and always will be far too easily hurt. I am not ready to love again. I'm not ready to be hurt again. I'm still a mess. I carry a lot of baggage. That said, I am strong and I will get through this, even if it means never putting myself in that position to be hurt again.