Independence

When you get into a relationship with someone, you give a bit of your independence away. You agree to depend on them for certain things, you let yourself become emotionally connected to them, you let down your barriers in order to give yourself to the relationship.

I have always been an incredibly independent person, to the point where relationships have sometimes been quite difficult. For as long as I can remember, I've been happy to stand on my own two feet and say "this is me, I don't need anyone else". In every relationship you enter, you let this go a little, just because for a relationship to work, you have to.

After 7 years in a relationship, I realise that I have now lost a lot of who I am and who I was. For the first few years in the relationship I kicked and screamed and rebelled against the conforms of a relationship. I didn't like to lose my independence and I fought hard not to. After a while, it was obvious that this was causing problems and I needed to compromise in order to enjoy life more. Over the whole time I have lost more and more of my Independence and learnt to rely on others for certain things (although in all honesty I know I do a lot more than some women in relationships do).

All of a sudden, I'm now facing the idea of being alone for - well possibly the rest of my life (because, let's face it, who wants to take on a 31 year old woman with 2 young children, who doesn't even get out much to meet new people anyway?). The idea excites and terrifies me, all at the same time. I feel like I am opening myself up to all sorts of possibilities. To being able to make my own choices and my own decisions, even just about how my house is decorated, or about the things I watch on TV. I feel like I can stop treading on eggshells and always thinking "what will he think?", "will this cause a problem?". However I am also terrified about whether I will cope. In honesty, deep down I know that I will. I know that I am still that strong and independent woman that I was 10 years ago. I know that I will survive and be happier for it. But right now, in this moment, I am worried that no one will ever want to be there for me again - or worse, that I'll never want to let anyone be there for me again. What if I become so independent again and so set in my way, that I'll never again let someone in?

Anyway, I sort of lost focus of where I was going with this post, but then it's morning time and my children are around and I always find it harder to concentrate on what I'm thinking, when they're around.

All I know is that, I am strong enough to cope with the changes that are happening in my life. There are still high days and low days, there are still outside factors that add to the ups and downs, but I'm taking each day at a time and I'm coming out the other side in one piece. Not only that but I'm learning to be more patient and more tolerant - not bite and snap at things that really don't matter any more.

"Without the strength to endure the crisis, one will not see the opportunity within. It is within the process of endurance that opportunity reveals itself."