Sunday 22 August 2010

Still Alive

I just wanted to post that I'm still alive and struggling on. Life has been pretty up and down recently and when its good - I just want to make the most of being happy and not blog too much about the lows and when its bad - I just want to bury my head and forget all about it and so can't really blog.

I do want to make a post soon though, about friends and friendship. These last few weeks I wouldn't have got through without some of the most awesome friends a person could have. I could easily get into it right now but since I wasn't sitting down to do that just yet, I won't.

Anyway, life is ok and I'm doing ok. The sun is shining and today is a good day. Gradually there are more good days than bad days and so its all good by me. I will update again soon, one I've managed to prioritise my life a bit better.

Over and out.

Friday 13 August 2010

Deckleswood.com







Having a super big push to get my new (old) site up and running again. Check it out!!

Wednesday 4 August 2010

Lonely

I'm so so lonely tonight. That's really all I can bring myself to say about it.

I just needed to say it "out loud".

Sunday 1 August 2010

Goodbyes

"Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything I thought I knew"

Goodbyes are usually very sad things. Ok, sometimes you're just politely saying bye to a customer or someone who has served you in a shop, or sometimes a friend or family member who you know you will see or speak to again within in a few days - but mostly, saying goodbye can be a very sad time.

People come and go from your life and you rarely get the opportunity to actually say goodbye to them. When people die, you wish you got the opportunity to say goodbye. When friendships drift and eventually break, you realise that you never really said bye, it just happened. Sometimes we say goodbye, knowing that we don't know the next time we'll see a person, but we're not sad because we know we will again one day or that there is at least the opportunity you will. Other times its people we went to school with who we say goodbye to on the last day of school and if we see them again its great and if we don't then it doesn't really matter. With things like Facebook and especially the internet as a whole, we often find ourselves back in touch with those people anyway.

But saying goodbye to a loved one, that is the hardest thing. There is a scene in "Love Actually" which I absolutely love, where the Prime Minister is talking about airports. As it happens, he's actually talking about the Arrivals gate, but the Departure gate must be a very similar affair. People saying goodbye for short times and people saying goodbye for long times. Saying goodbye as people move away, go on holiday, or go away for business. Either way, saying goodbye is a heart breaking things to do. However, in most circumstances, you know there is always a chance that you will see that person again - that the possibility is never completely ruled out.

So what about when a relationship ends? When a boyfriend and girlfriend split up, when a marriage seperates, when people realise they no longer want to be together? Well I don't know about you, but I don't really remember saying goodbye to many relationships. I remember being told someone didn't want to be with me, or telling someone else the same thing. Usually break ups are messy and hurtful and the last thing you're actually thinking about saying is the word "goodbye". In most cases we don't want to see the person again, or if you do then its a one sided thing and they no longer feel the same. Again you just drift by, never knowing if you might catch a glimpse of that person, or bump into them somewhere. In marriages and seperations, where children are involved, you rarely get to really say goodbye. You say it to the relationship, to the marriage, but you know that person will still remain in your life forever - you'll always see them.

But how many times have you been knowingly able to say goodbye to a relationship? How many times have you been given the opportunity to say "Goodbye, I know I'll never see you again." For whatever reason, you have decided the relationship won't work and its over. You know that you can't possibly see or speak to each other and you have to cut the final thread, saying goodbye to that person for good. Its polite and its emotionless, as you've tried to say goodbye so many other times and so many other ways, that you've exhausted all other emotions. You're left feeling nothing but numb and empty, not quite able to believe that its really happened. I did this today, so trust me I know.

But, I hear you saying, how do you know you'll never see or speak to this person again? The answer is I don't. In my heart, I'm not even sure I believe its forever, dispite what's been said today. I have known this person for 9 years and been in touch with them on and off throughout that time. During those years my feelings have been fairly consistent, increasing rather than deminishing. Do I truly believe I will never see or speak to that person again? I really don't know. I don't even know whether I want it to be that way or not. But if it is, and that was goodbye to 9 years and everything that went along with it - it was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done. All those feelings, seem so wasted by an ending like that, but what other way is there to say goodbye? We can't do nice goodbyes, not when it really matters, because then there is too much temptation to cling on. And we can't do bad goodbyes, because then there is too much temptation to apologise and put things right. If that was goodbye for good, it really was the only way it could happen.