Weddings

I'm really not a big fan of weddings, never really have been. Yes I've been married twice myself (and separated twice) but that's not really the reason I don't like them - although I suppose its beginning to add to it.

I've always felt like weddings were a lot of hassle for nothing. A lot of people don't really enjoy them, they just go because they feel they should, or to be polite. The whole day can be stressful and long, especially if you have children and it doesn't mean an awful lot to anyone but the couple involved. Even for the couple themselves, weddings can be incredibly stressful and full of hassle for weeks up until the date. The they day goes past in such a blur that you barely remember it and you wonder why you put yourself through so much stress.

For my first wedding, I did the whole white wedding thing. The church, the white dress, the nice cars, the suits, the flowers, the lunch reception followed by evening disco - and honestly by the end of the day I really didn't remember all that much of it. I remember being so exhausted that there was no wedding bliss that night, just sleep and a feeling of being completely knackered.

When I got married the second time, it was a much more simple affair. We owned a restaurant and got married on Valentine's Day. Whilst this sounds romantic on paper, it was mostly for the publicity and we had 60 or so customers in the restaurant that evening. We got married at a registry office, not long after Megan was born and we went back to the reception with just the handful of people who came to the wedding, to enjoy champagne and bacon butties. After about an hour everyone went home, we got changed and spent the rest of the day in a panic about being ready for the evening. Admittedly I enjoyed it at the time, but that's because we kept it basic.

I'm going to a wedding tomorrow and its for my cousin and his (to be) wife. I've known about it since before my husband and I broke up and originally he was supposed to be coming too. However once we'd split up, I knew I would be facing the day alone, not only that but given the split, with raw feelings over marriage itself. I've been mentally preparing myself for it for a while now and whilst I don't expect it to be particularly enjoyable, I felt like I'd get through it. However last night I came down sick. I felt it coming on and I hoped it might be gone by morning but no such luck. Today I feel much worse with blocked nose, sore throat, chapped lips, aches and pains, and a cough. I'm managing ok in myself but I really feel like I lack in energy. On top of that I now have to face the likelihood that I'm going to be ill for the wedding.

All this combined is making me feel like crying. I don't really know why but I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. Not only am I ill and will be forcing myself to go to a wedding, but now I feel like I probably won't make it through the day without getting upset or feeling even more like shit. I dunno why I'm posting about this really. Maybe just for reference I suppose. I just know that I'm now actually dreading tomorrow. I just hope that it isn't as bad as I'm anticipating.

Lifehouse

So I mentioned in my last post that I went to London the other day and that was to see a band called Lifehouse. They're not big over here but I've known about them for almost 10 years, because of a friend I had on the internet in America. He introduced me to their song "Hanging By a Moment" and I loved it so much that I bought their album "No Name Face" which at the time I had to get imported from the US. They fast became one of my favourite bands and to this day, even though I've never bought another of their albums, I've continued to love their music. When the opportunity to go and see them in London came up - and tickets were only £20, I couldn't possibly believe my luck. I originally bought 4 tickets as I had a few people I knew who'd like to see them, but in the end it was just myself and my brother who went. And honestly... best concert I've been to.

Now seemingly Lifehouse have had a few albums out, but currently have released a new one called "Smoke and Mirrors". Luckily though the concert was a mixture of both the old ones and the new ones, so it was thoroughly enjoyable. They played for approximately an hour and a half and really it was just amazing. Forgetting to take my camera, I had to manage with the video on my phone which to be honest wasn't very good. It made me happy though that I managed to get the whole of "Hanging by a Moment" and "Everything".

I mentioned in my last post, that since splitting up with my husband, I've been trying to get out and do more things. Seeing Lifehouse was one of these. I also mentioned that I'm incredibly happy where I am in my life and while that's true, seeing Lifehouse was one of the first time it caught me, that I didn't really have anyone to share moments like this with any more. As I listened and enjoyed, I watched a couple in front of us who enjoyed the concert together, and at the slow songs wrapped their arms around each other and swayed. This was really the first time that the feeling of loneliness caught me. On top of that, there were some really emotional songs. Songs about love and about loving someone and about the way it makes you feel. I still want that with someone, I still want to know what that's like. I worry that I might not ever again, either due to circumstance or just not wanting to risk my heart again.

"I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you"

This is a video that someone else took, but of the same concert that I went to. This is my all time favourite song by Lifehouse and the words really move me.

"Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now..."

Seeing my favourite song played live, really was a hell of experience. I was also hoping for "Breathing" as this has always been my second favourite song, but unfortunately it wasn't to be - because apparently it was a huge flop in America. Luckily though, we did get a few bars of it, when Jason came solo on the stage and acoustically played songs that the audience requested. If you'd like to see that video then its here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ic9zcqibj8s).

Perhaps the biggest surprise and nicest moment was at the end. During the acoustic request section, Jason had played a few bars of Everything. I'd always liked this song but it wasn't rated in my top Lifehouse songs. However having heard "Hanging by a Moment" towards the end of the show, followed by another of the more recent ones, the band left the stage and the show was over. Except, really we knew it wasn't. It never is, the first time is it? And besides, the lights never came up so that was a sure sign. After about 3-4 minutes of screaming, clapping, cheering etc. the band ran back on to the stage to perform one last song - and wow, it really blew my mind.

The song is a bit slow to get going, but please bear with it if you're interested,
because the slow build up is part of the reason it's such an emotional song.

This song actually made me feel quite emotional. It was the end of the concert and I had well and truly enjoyed the show. The excitement of seeing Lifehouse live, the sadness of not having someone to share it with and the powerful emotion of this song, just made it hit me. This song is beautiful and has some amazing lyrics and throughout it all, really all I could think was that I wanted someone to feel that way about me. I'm not one to say "I'm like this song" or compare myself to cliche's and lyrics. It means much more when someone else tells you that specific song lyrics make them think of you, or tell you that they make you feel a certain way. But if I ever love again, I want it to be the kind of love that I've always wanted and never managed to find. If I ever open up my heart to someone again, I don't want to just settle or think that this is as good as it gets. I want someone who loves me for everything I am, the high maintenance, the bad hair days, the time of the month, the tears for no reason. I know that love isn't like it is in the movies, but I don't see why you can't dream big and hope for more.

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Life or something like it...

So 2 and a half months ago, my life changed drastically as my husband and I separated and he moved out. In that time I have been reclaiming my life one step at a time, remembering who I am and what I like. I have tried to make more friends and spend time with them, I have tried to pursue the things I enjoy doing most and I have tried to get out and do more of the things I love to do. In the last few months I have been to Nottingham for the day, Alton Towers, London, see my crush in Lincoln Theatre Royal, the Muggle Meet weekend and lots more. I am happy. Not just happy today, or for a few days, but consistently happy with only occasional down moments - and that's all they are, just moments amoungst the general happiness. I am the happiest I have been in the longest of time and most importantly I'm just happy being me.

Don't get me wrong, I had happy times over the last 7 years of my relationship, of course there were many many many good times. Things weren't always bad, sometimes they were the best they ever could be. But overall, the relationship was rocky and I was often to be found walking on eggshells. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not the type of girl to walk on eggshells, I often stumble and fall, or stomp with big heavy boots. But that is not to say that I don't miss things and that is not to say that I don't catch myself thinking I wish I still had that, or could do that.

I look at my future and I don't see anyone else in it. That's not me thinking I won't ever find anyone else, its me feeling like really I don't need anyone else. My life is my own at the moment (other than the kids of course) and I'm enjoying it being that way. For the most part I would be happy if things never changed. I still have other aspects of my life that I want to concentrate on, like losing some weight, keeping the house a bit tidier, being better with money etc. but all these things can come. Staying positive and staying happy is really the best thing I can do right now and so that's what I'm doing.