- I love orange sweets - doesn't matter if its fruit gums, fruit pastels, skittles, tooty frooties, or whatever. Orange are by far my favourite. After that I would pick red and yellow, always leaving purple and green till last (or first if I'm wanting to leave my favourites till last!
- Red is my favourite colour for everything else. For years I always prefered burgundy as a colour, now its all about red (although Burgundy is a type of red I guess)!
Saturday 31 July 2010
A list of things that make me who I am... - Part 2
Thursday 29 July 2010
Familiarity
This week has been one of the hardest of my life so far. On Monday, my husband moved out and after spending a whole day working, I helped him from 7pm-1.30am to move all his things. This in itself was an incredible rollercoaster of emotions, resulting in lots of wine with a friend and no sleep until 6am (being up again at 9am). In fact, this week has largely been about not much sleep, having had only 1hr between 6am and 7am this morning too. Really, I should be in bed right now I suppose and I'll go, once I've written this post.
Over the last few days, I have formed many posts in my head - on a variety of thoughts. However with everything that's been going on, sitting down and writing my thoughts onto paper (or computer screen), hasn't been at the top of my list of things to do. I decided that once I've had a week or so of the current situation, I'll write about how it feels now my husband has moved out, but those feelings are so up and down at the moment I'm not sure I could put it into words anyway.
So the point of this particular post was familiarity and how it effects your feelings I suppose. You know when you know someone really well, and you're used to their company, you understand how they think and their reactions to certain things... you're familiar with them. With this comes a comfortableness and of course a certain amount of feelings. Something I have noticed over the last few weeks, is that familiarity can actually cause a huge amount of confussion. The thing I am dealing with at the moment, is does familiarity effect the way you feel about people, can it make you think you have feelings, or possibly even love, when maybe its nothing more than that familiar feeling. How do you know? How can you tell whether its love or if its just something familiar, something reliable, someone you know and understand.
Right now I guess I'm a little bit scared of the future and what it might bring. The thought of starting a relationship from the beginning again (even though I have no intention of doing so any time soon - its something I will need to consider one day), getting to know someone again, it honestly terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, there are some lovely parts to the first few weeks of a relationship - the romance, the passion, being swept away in the moment. First kisses, first hugs, butterfly flutters in your stomach. All those things I miss from starting a relationship. But having to get to know someone, let them know you, explain how you work, what makes you tick, what you like and what you don't - all that makes me feel a little bit sick.
And sometimes, when I'm low, I wonder if it would be better to have someone than no one, to tolerate an average relationship, rather than nothing at all. Because what if every relationship ends up that way in the long run, what if that's what relationships are, that there is no happily ever after? In which case why go through all the looking again and the learning and the understanding.
Familiarity with a person, makes you believe you have feelings for them. How do you know if they are real or not? We throw around the word love so much but how can we tell when its love and how can we tell when its actually just being with someone who understands you and who life feels easy with, even if just for that moment. When you still experience the butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation of a kiss, the sudden urge to just be held... when you realise that you don't want them to leave, when you miss them when they're gone...
Is that love? Is that just feelings from the past emerging again? Or is it nothing more than familiarity, clouding your judgement and making you think its something more than what it is.
I don't know the answer to this. I honestly don't. I'd like to think I know myself well enough to know real feelings from something you're just wanting to cling on to - but who can be sure?
Familiarity does breed contempt, but it also breeds a lot of confusion.
Over the last few days, I have formed many posts in my head - on a variety of thoughts. However with everything that's been going on, sitting down and writing my thoughts onto paper (or computer screen), hasn't been at the top of my list of things to do. I decided that once I've had a week or so of the current situation, I'll write about how it feels now my husband has moved out, but those feelings are so up and down at the moment I'm not sure I could put it into words anyway.
So the point of this particular post was familiarity and how it effects your feelings I suppose. You know when you know someone really well, and you're used to their company, you understand how they think and their reactions to certain things... you're familiar with them. With this comes a comfortableness and of course a certain amount of feelings. Something I have noticed over the last few weeks, is that familiarity can actually cause a huge amount of confussion. The thing I am dealing with at the moment, is does familiarity effect the way you feel about people, can it make you think you have feelings, or possibly even love, when maybe its nothing more than that familiar feeling. How do you know? How can you tell whether its love or if its just something familiar, something reliable, someone you know and understand.
Right now I guess I'm a little bit scared of the future and what it might bring. The thought of starting a relationship from the beginning again (even though I have no intention of doing so any time soon - its something I will need to consider one day), getting to know someone again, it honestly terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, there are some lovely parts to the first few weeks of a relationship - the romance, the passion, being swept away in the moment. First kisses, first hugs, butterfly flutters in your stomach. All those things I miss from starting a relationship. But having to get to know someone, let them know you, explain how you work, what makes you tick, what you like and what you don't - all that makes me feel a little bit sick.
And sometimes, when I'm low, I wonder if it would be better to have someone than no one, to tolerate an average relationship, rather than nothing at all. Because what if every relationship ends up that way in the long run, what if that's what relationships are, that there is no happily ever after? In which case why go through all the looking again and the learning and the understanding.
Familiarity with a person, makes you believe you have feelings for them. How do you know if they are real or not? We throw around the word love so much but how can we tell when its love and how can we tell when its actually just being with someone who understands you and who life feels easy with, even if just for that moment. When you still experience the butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation of a kiss, the sudden urge to just be held... when you realise that you don't want them to leave, when you miss them when they're gone...
Is that love? Is that just feelings from the past emerging again? Or is it nothing more than familiarity, clouding your judgement and making you think its something more than what it is.
I don't know the answer to this. I honestly don't. I'd like to think I know myself well enough to know real feelings from something you're just wanting to cling on to - but who can be sure?
Familiarity does breed contempt, but it also breeds a lot of confusion.
Monday 26 July 2010
Irony
Alanis Morissette thinks that she knows a bit about irony, but let me tell you this - I could teach her a thing or two about it.
When a relationship falls apart, there is always a lot of questions to be answered. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with them? Where did it all go wrong? Could we have done more? And in answering these questions, we always come up with answers we probably already knew deep down anyway.
My husband and are separating and it's a mutual decision. We haven't ever really been functional to be honest but there has been love. Unfortunately though we've now gotten to the stage when it's love for the wrong reasons and not necessarily being IN love. Whatever his reasons for wanting this separation, I can't really be sure because to be honest he never talks about how he feels. For me though it's a combination of things, one of which is that he's not really the person I've always wanted him to be, or hoped he would be.
If you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I'm looking for the Disney dream, for the Happily Ever After, for a ride off into the sunset. Whilst this might be partly true, the real truth is a lot simpler than that. All I really want is to be happy and to have someone who at least attempts to get to know me, to understand me and above all of course to love me.
One of the things that has always hurt me is how little my husband seems to know me over certain things and how uninterested he is to learn. Like for example; knowing that when I'm upset, sometimes all it takes is a hug - or that when you make an effort or get a haircut, it would be nice for it to be noticed, rather than taken for granted.
The reason I titled this post ironic is because of the two examples I gave. A week or so ago, my husband asked me if I'd had my hair cut - even though all I'd done was wash it - and that it looked nice. The irony being that I actually don't remember the last time he told me I looked nice (but actually that was going to be a whole post in itself). And tonight the thing that inspired this post - a hug.
This weekend has been very emotional for me. I've pretty much spent the last 2 days packing all of his things up, ready for him to move out. It's been emotional for a lot of reasons really; relief, loss, fear, etc. and it's been pretty tough to get through. I've cried a lot and freaked out a lot but mostly I've just felt sad. 7 years of relationship is a lot to say goodbye to and a lot to pack away in boxes. Having our 2 children, owning our own restaurant, the holidays we've been on, the things we've shared. The highs, the lows and all the in-between. Whilst I know that we can't be together any more and that we'll both be happier this way, it's hard to let it go.
On top of that I've had to tell our eldest daughter what's happening and watch her cry too. Holding yourself together for someone else's sake is easy but then when that's gone - when the kids are in bed - what reason is there not to just fall apart.
When my husband got home from work tonight, we spoke briefly about things; moving out, how we felt, how we presumed the other person felt etc. Needless to say I ended up in tears. And here is the irony. Whenever I have been upset in the past, a hug is rarely offered. When I've even said that I need a hug, it's actually rarely offered. Tonight, within seconds if me getting upset, he asked if I wanted a hug. And for a brief second, I caught myself wishing that things had been different, that he'd taken the time to understand me and to care about what I needed. But the moment passed quickly and I knew that this separation was about much more than a hug. About much more than what we think we need from a partner.
So here's some more irony for you - why when you have someone who cares, even if only a little, would you swap it for (possible) eternal loneliness? Is a bad relationship better than no relationship? Obviously I don't really know the answer to this at the moment but I'm hoping the answer is no. I'm doing all this for the possibility of more... and yes there is a chance that I might not meet anyone else who cares, even just a small amount - but at least now I have the possibility, the opportunity, the openness to find out. I just hope that in the long run, that is the right choice.
When a relationship falls apart, there is always a lot of questions to be answered. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with them? Where did it all go wrong? Could we have done more? And in answering these questions, we always come up with answers we probably already knew deep down anyway.
My husband and are separating and it's a mutual decision. We haven't ever really been functional to be honest but there has been love. Unfortunately though we've now gotten to the stage when it's love for the wrong reasons and not necessarily being IN love. Whatever his reasons for wanting this separation, I can't really be sure because to be honest he never talks about how he feels. For me though it's a combination of things, one of which is that he's not really the person I've always wanted him to be, or hoped he would be.
If you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I'm looking for the Disney dream, for the Happily Ever After, for a ride off into the sunset. Whilst this might be partly true, the real truth is a lot simpler than that. All I really want is to be happy and to have someone who at least attempts to get to know me, to understand me and above all of course to love me.
One of the things that has always hurt me is how little my husband seems to know me over certain things and how uninterested he is to learn. Like for example; knowing that when I'm upset, sometimes all it takes is a hug - or that when you make an effort or get a haircut, it would be nice for it to be noticed, rather than taken for granted.
The reason I titled this post ironic is because of the two examples I gave. A week or so ago, my husband asked me if I'd had my hair cut - even though all I'd done was wash it - and that it looked nice. The irony being that I actually don't remember the last time he told me I looked nice (but actually that was going to be a whole post in itself). And tonight the thing that inspired this post - a hug.
This weekend has been very emotional for me. I've pretty much spent the last 2 days packing all of his things up, ready for him to move out. It's been emotional for a lot of reasons really; relief, loss, fear, etc. and it's been pretty tough to get through. I've cried a lot and freaked out a lot but mostly I've just felt sad. 7 years of relationship is a lot to say goodbye to and a lot to pack away in boxes. Having our 2 children, owning our own restaurant, the holidays we've been on, the things we've shared. The highs, the lows and all the in-between. Whilst I know that we can't be together any more and that we'll both be happier this way, it's hard to let it go.
On top of that I've had to tell our eldest daughter what's happening and watch her cry too. Holding yourself together for someone else's sake is easy but then when that's gone - when the kids are in bed - what reason is there not to just fall apart.
When my husband got home from work tonight, we spoke briefly about things; moving out, how we felt, how we presumed the other person felt etc. Needless to say I ended up in tears. And here is the irony. Whenever I have been upset in the past, a hug is rarely offered. When I've even said that I need a hug, it's actually rarely offered. Tonight, within seconds if me getting upset, he asked if I wanted a hug. And for a brief second, I caught myself wishing that things had been different, that he'd taken the time to understand me and to care about what I needed. But the moment passed quickly and I knew that this separation was about much more than a hug. About much more than what we think we need from a partner.
So here's some more irony for you - why when you have someone who cares, even if only a little, would you swap it for (possible) eternal loneliness? Is a bad relationship better than no relationship? Obviously I don't really know the answer to this at the moment but I'm hoping the answer is no. I'm doing all this for the possibility of more... and yes there is a chance that I might not meet anyone else who cares, even just a small amount - but at least now I have the possibility, the opportunity, the openness to find out. I just hope that in the long run, that is the right choice.
Location:Lincoln,United Kingdom
Thursday 22 July 2010
Too many thoughts to decide on an appropriate title...
Today I feel sad, but not really for a bad reason - in fact, I suppose for a good reason. Do you ever have one of those days, when you face all the feelings that you normally keep locked up tight, that you struggle to keep on top of on a daily basis? Today is one of those days. A day when you open your heart up to someone and as you're saying the words, all the emotion attached to them, hits you like an avalanche.
Mums are awesome aren't they? I mean, they all have their bad days where they moan too much and they're in your business, but generally mum's are amazing. My mum IS amazing.
I remember about 3 years ago, when I told her about a relationship I'd had with someone who was 8-9 years younger than me. I remember watching her take it all in, her head almost exploding at all the information and then her just being incredibly normal about it. I remember that she didn't question what I felt or how I acted, but just accepted unconditionally. I remember that when I left my husband and tried to start a different life, how helpful she was and how understanding she tried to be. I remember above all else that I was amazed at just how great she was about everything.
Now, all these years later, here I am leaving my husband again - this time for good - and how amazingly supporting she's being. For the last few weeks, she's bent over backwards to lend me her car, to give me some of the freedom I've been desperately seeking and to make the situation I'm going through, just a little easier. Today once more, she showed me just how incredibly awesome she is.
I never meant to pour my heart out to her, I don't even know how the subject came up but yet I found myself, cup of tea in hand, telling her about things in my life that I never really thought she'd understand, let alone be supportive of. I told her about someone I'd been in touch with recently and feelings I had. I told her about a Tuesday a few weeks ago and the space in between. I told her that it felt like I was getting over not only a marriage, but a heart break at the same time.
Not only did she listen (and not fall off the sofa in surprise) but she actually tried to help. She offered solutions and encouragement until the point that I was left with nothing but tears.
It was at this point, I attempted a getaway, knowing that my emotions were getting to the point that I didn't want anyone else to see. Her parting words to me were "I wasn't brought up on Disney, but I still like happy endings" and it was with that I quickly dived into my car and drove away, through the blur of tears I was then crying.
I know my mum will probably never read this blog but I really just wanted to get down in words how amazing I think she is. I hope that, when my children are older, they will look at me and think exactly the same.
Mums are awesome aren't they? I mean, they all have their bad days where they moan too much and they're in your business, but generally mum's are amazing. My mum IS amazing.
I remember about 3 years ago, when I told her about a relationship I'd had with someone who was 8-9 years younger than me. I remember watching her take it all in, her head almost exploding at all the information and then her just being incredibly normal about it. I remember that she didn't question what I felt or how I acted, but just accepted unconditionally. I remember that when I left my husband and tried to start a different life, how helpful she was and how understanding she tried to be. I remember above all else that I was amazed at just how great she was about everything.
Now, all these years later, here I am leaving my husband again - this time for good - and how amazingly supporting she's being. For the last few weeks, she's bent over backwards to lend me her car, to give me some of the freedom I've been desperately seeking and to make the situation I'm going through, just a little easier. Today once more, she showed me just how incredibly awesome she is.
I never meant to pour my heart out to her, I don't even know how the subject came up but yet I found myself, cup of tea in hand, telling her about things in my life that I never really thought she'd understand, let alone be supportive of. I told her about someone I'd been in touch with recently and feelings I had. I told her about a Tuesday a few weeks ago and the space in between. I told her that it felt like I was getting over not only a marriage, but a heart break at the same time.
Not only did she listen (and not fall off the sofa in surprise) but she actually tried to help. She offered solutions and encouragement until the point that I was left with nothing but tears.
It was at this point, I attempted a getaway, knowing that my emotions were getting to the point that I didn't want anyone else to see. Her parting words to me were "I wasn't brought up on Disney, but I still like happy endings" and it was with that I quickly dived into my car and drove away, through the blur of tears I was then crying.
I know my mum will probably never read this blog but I really just wanted to get down in words how amazing I think she is. I hope that, when my children are older, they will look at me and think exactly the same.
“Mother is the one we count on for the things that matter most of all.”
-Katherine Butler Hathaway
Freedom
William Wallace once said (or at least according to the movie) "You can take our lives, but you'll never take our freedom." This is how I feel today.
I am currently lying in bed, typing on my iPhone, on an app that cost me a couple of quid to be able to do that. I'm not especially tired, but have decided that going to sleep is one of the few sane options left for me.
Living with my husband, whilst not actually being together with my husband is a very complicated matter. On a good day, it's being careful not to use cute nicknames or giving hugs on departure. On bad days it's resisting the urge to create huge fights by saying what you really think and preferably not stabbing each other. Today is a bad day. Today I feel like I might explode with everything I want to scream at him. I feel like if I start then I might never stop and I know the repercussions won't be worth it in the long run.
They say that a "Drunk man's words are a Sober man's thoughts" but if this is true I have been living a very unhappy lie for far too many years now. When my husband drinks he becomes a very different person and in truth, 90% of the time, not a very nice person. Since we've officially called it a day, he has taken to drinking more and more. In all honesty I always felt he had a drinking problem to begin with, but now with no one to nag and no one to moan, he is making his way through about 8 bottles of beer a night and 2 incredibly large glasses of brandy. It is partly because of this, that I find myself here, alone with my thoughts.
Anyway this post was supposed to be about freedom and I seem to have gotten myself a little side tracked. Marriage and relationships are a lot like the William Wallace quote. Whilst we give our lives to the relationship, we never completely give our freedom away. Whilst at times it may very much feel like it, the fact is we are all only victims of our own choices.
Today I got a car. After being carless for about 8 weeks - for pretty much the first time since I passed my test at 18 - I finally have this freedom again. Now I am claiming all of my freedom back, one piece at a time.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I am currently lying in bed, typing on my iPhone, on an app that cost me a couple of quid to be able to do that. I'm not especially tired, but have decided that going to sleep is one of the few sane options left for me.
Living with my husband, whilst not actually being together with my husband is a very complicated matter. On a good day, it's being careful not to use cute nicknames or giving hugs on departure. On bad days it's resisting the urge to create huge fights by saying what you really think and preferably not stabbing each other. Today is a bad day. Today I feel like I might explode with everything I want to scream at him. I feel like if I start then I might never stop and I know the repercussions won't be worth it in the long run.
They say that a "Drunk man's words are a Sober man's thoughts" but if this is true I have been living a very unhappy lie for far too many years now. When my husband drinks he becomes a very different person and in truth, 90% of the time, not a very nice person. Since we've officially called it a day, he has taken to drinking more and more. In all honesty I always felt he had a drinking problem to begin with, but now with no one to nag and no one to moan, he is making his way through about 8 bottles of beer a night and 2 incredibly large glasses of brandy. It is partly because of this, that I find myself here, alone with my thoughts.
Anyway this post was supposed to be about freedom and I seem to have gotten myself a little side tracked. Marriage and relationships are a lot like the William Wallace quote. Whilst we give our lives to the relationship, we never completely give our freedom away. Whilst at times it may very much feel like it, the fact is we are all only victims of our own choices.
Today I got a car. After being carless for about 8 weeks - for pretty much the first time since I passed my test at 18 - I finally have this freedom again. Now I am claiming all of my freedom back, one piece at a time.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday 21 July 2010
Independence
When you get into a relationship with someone, you give a bit of your independence away. You agree to depend on them for certain things, you let yourself become emotionally connected to them, you let down your barriers in order to give yourself to the relationship.
I have always been an incredibly independent person, to the point where relationships have sometimes been quite difficult. For as long as I can remember, I've been happy to stand on my own two feet and say "this is me, I don't need anyone else". In every relationship you enter, you let this go a little, just because for a relationship to work, you have to.
After 7 years in a relationship, I realise that I have now lost a lot of who I am and who I was. For the first few years in the relationship I kicked and screamed and rebelled against the conforms of a relationship. I didn't like to lose my independence and I fought hard not to. After a while, it was obvious that this was causing problems and I needed to compromise in order to enjoy life more. Over the whole time I have lost more and more of my Independence and learnt to rely on others for certain things (although in all honesty I know I do a lot more than some women in relationships do).
All of a sudden, I'm now facing the idea of being alone for - well possibly the rest of my life (because, let's face it, who wants to take on a 31 year old woman with 2 young children, who doesn't even get out much to meet new people anyway?). The idea excites and terrifies me, all at the same time. I feel like I am opening myself up to all sorts of possibilities. To being able to make my own choices and my own decisions, even just about how my house is decorated, or about the things I watch on TV. I feel like I can stop treading on eggshells and always thinking "what will he think?", "will this cause a problem?". However I am also terrified about whether I will cope. In honesty, deep down I know that I will. I know that I am still that strong and independent woman that I was 10 years ago. I know that I will survive and be happier for it. But right now, in this moment, I am worried that no one will ever want to be there for me again - or worse, that I'll never want to let anyone be there for me again. What if I become so independent again and so set in my way, that I'll never again let someone in?
Anyway, I sort of lost focus of where I was going with this post, but then it's morning time and my children are around and I always find it harder to concentrate on what I'm thinking, when they're around.
All I know is that, I am strong enough to cope with the changes that are happening in my life. There are still high days and low days, there are still outside factors that add to the ups and downs, but I'm taking each day at a time and I'm coming out the other side in one piece. Not only that but I'm learning to be more patient and more tolerant - not bite and snap at things that really don't matter any more.
"Without the strength to endure the crisis, one will not see the opportunity within. It is within the process of endurance that opportunity reveals itself."
I have always been an incredibly independent person, to the point where relationships have sometimes been quite difficult. For as long as I can remember, I've been happy to stand on my own two feet and say "this is me, I don't need anyone else". In every relationship you enter, you let this go a little, just because for a relationship to work, you have to.
After 7 years in a relationship, I realise that I have now lost a lot of who I am and who I was. For the first few years in the relationship I kicked and screamed and rebelled against the conforms of a relationship. I didn't like to lose my independence and I fought hard not to. After a while, it was obvious that this was causing problems and I needed to compromise in order to enjoy life more. Over the whole time I have lost more and more of my Independence and learnt to rely on others for certain things (although in all honesty I know I do a lot more than some women in relationships do).
All of a sudden, I'm now facing the idea of being alone for - well possibly the rest of my life (because, let's face it, who wants to take on a 31 year old woman with 2 young children, who doesn't even get out much to meet new people anyway?). The idea excites and terrifies me, all at the same time. I feel like I am opening myself up to all sorts of possibilities. To being able to make my own choices and my own decisions, even just about how my house is decorated, or about the things I watch on TV. I feel like I can stop treading on eggshells and always thinking "what will he think?", "will this cause a problem?". However I am also terrified about whether I will cope. In honesty, deep down I know that I will. I know that I am still that strong and independent woman that I was 10 years ago. I know that I will survive and be happier for it. But right now, in this moment, I am worried that no one will ever want to be there for me again - or worse, that I'll never want to let anyone be there for me again. What if I become so independent again and so set in my way, that I'll never again let someone in?
Anyway, I sort of lost focus of where I was going with this post, but then it's morning time and my children are around and I always find it harder to concentrate on what I'm thinking, when they're around.
All I know is that, I am strong enough to cope with the changes that are happening in my life. There are still high days and low days, there are still outside factors that add to the ups and downs, but I'm taking each day at a time and I'm coming out the other side in one piece. Not only that but I'm learning to be more patient and more tolerant - not bite and snap at things that really don't matter any more.
"Without the strength to endure the crisis, one will not see the opportunity within. It is within the process of endurance that opportunity reveals itself."
Sunday 18 July 2010
Music is my Life
I have a friend who hates the expression "music is my life" but in this case I mean it slightly differently to the way she hates when people use it. Music isn't something I need in my life, it isn't like breathing or eating - but music can sum up any day you're having, any emotion you're feeling, anything you're going through in life. No matter what the occassion, there is an appropriate song that you can put on, to suit the mood.
For years and years, pretty much the majority of my internet life, I've always been incredibly into music. When people have asked "what kind of music are you into?" I've never really been able to answer, other than, I'll listen to anything once. I have to admit to not particularly being into Rave, Heavy Metal, Rap etc but there are always exceptions to the rules. I try to take each song in its own right and see if I like it for itself, rather than its genre. On the whole though I like main stream pop, R&B, rock, and dance. Obviously again, within all of these there are songs that I don't like so much but if I was generalising, it would be these genres.
Several years ago, I got out of the habit of listening to music often. It was partly to do with the people I no longer spoke to, partly to do with the life I lead (less driving, so less radio - no mp3 player, children to listen out for etc), and probably partly to do with the person I married. As much as I can fall in love with a tune, the music of a song, to me its always the lyrics that have stood out. For as long as I can remember, the words to a song have meant more than the song itself - and whilst the person I married was into music, it was never about the lyrics to them. So slowly over the years, I've detached myself from music, listen to it less, loved it less and relied on it less.
Recently, over the last few months, my love of music has flooded back. Again, this is probably to do with my change in circumstances. I have bought an iPhone and loaded it up with all the tunes I had on my laptop, along with all the ones I'd previously downloaded and saved to back up disks. Every day I try to fill my life with as much music as possible, often choosing to have it on over the TV or just silence.
Music is something that no one should live without, a little like love I suppose. The emotions that a song can evoke, the highs and the lows - you only have to look at movies and listen to their soundtracks, to realise how important music is to the emotions and mood of them.
This morning, an advert came on and the music in the background was Alexandra Burke's - All Night Long. I've been meaning to download the song for a while, so I used Shazam on my phone to locate it quickly (I LOVE SHAZAM BTW) and download it to my iPhone. As soon as I had it downloaded, I put it on and the urge to go dancing was incredible. In fact, in the end I had to turn it off, because the thought of going out and going dancing, actually made me feel pretty sad - but that's a whole other story I guess.
There are many songs in my life, that remind me of different people, different events, times in my life that I sometimes forget until I hear the song in question. Some make me happy and some make me sad, but either way I appreciate the actual function of feeling something. Sometimes my playlist can actually taunt me - do you ever get that? You put on your tunes, usually on a random shuffle, and then somehow it always manages to be songs that are currently relevant to your current situation or state of mind.
As you'll know, if you've read my previous entries, I'm currently going through a seperation from my husband of 5 years. Whilst the whole process is incredibly scary, underneath it all I feel liberated by it. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm remembering who I am again, I feel like I'm finding my feet again. Music was a huge part of my life before and slowly that seems to be coming back too.
I want to feel. I want to love. I want to be me. Even though sometimes those things will cause sadness, I want to just be grateful that I know who I am still and that I know what I want and need in life. Music is something I will never let go of again - along with the knowledge of WHO I AM.
For years and years, pretty much the majority of my internet life, I've always been incredibly into music. When people have asked "what kind of music are you into?" I've never really been able to answer, other than, I'll listen to anything once. I have to admit to not particularly being into Rave, Heavy Metal, Rap etc but there are always exceptions to the rules. I try to take each song in its own right and see if I like it for itself, rather than its genre. On the whole though I like main stream pop, R&B, rock, and dance. Obviously again, within all of these there are songs that I don't like so much but if I was generalising, it would be these genres.
Several years ago, I got out of the habit of listening to music often. It was partly to do with the people I no longer spoke to, partly to do with the life I lead (less driving, so less radio - no mp3 player, children to listen out for etc), and probably partly to do with the person I married. As much as I can fall in love with a tune, the music of a song, to me its always the lyrics that have stood out. For as long as I can remember, the words to a song have meant more than the song itself - and whilst the person I married was into music, it was never about the lyrics to them. So slowly over the years, I've detached myself from music, listen to it less, loved it less and relied on it less.
Recently, over the last few months, my love of music has flooded back. Again, this is probably to do with my change in circumstances. I have bought an iPhone and loaded it up with all the tunes I had on my laptop, along with all the ones I'd previously downloaded and saved to back up disks. Every day I try to fill my life with as much music as possible, often choosing to have it on over the TV or just silence.
Music is something that no one should live without, a little like love I suppose. The emotions that a song can evoke, the highs and the lows - you only have to look at movies and listen to their soundtracks, to realise how important music is to the emotions and mood of them.
This morning, an advert came on and the music in the background was Alexandra Burke's - All Night Long. I've been meaning to download the song for a while, so I used Shazam on my phone to locate it quickly (I LOVE SHAZAM BTW) and download it to my iPhone. As soon as I had it downloaded, I put it on and the urge to go dancing was incredible. In fact, in the end I had to turn it off, because the thought of going out and going dancing, actually made me feel pretty sad - but that's a whole other story I guess.
There are many songs in my life, that remind me of different people, different events, times in my life that I sometimes forget until I hear the song in question. Some make me happy and some make me sad, but either way I appreciate the actual function of feeling something. Sometimes my playlist can actually taunt me - do you ever get that? You put on your tunes, usually on a random shuffle, and then somehow it always manages to be songs that are currently relevant to your current situation or state of mind.
As you'll know, if you've read my previous entries, I'm currently going through a seperation from my husband of 5 years. Whilst the whole process is incredibly scary, underneath it all I feel liberated by it. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm remembering who I am again, I feel like I'm finding my feet again. Music was a huge part of my life before and slowly that seems to be coming back too.
I want to feel. I want to love. I want to be me. Even though sometimes those things will cause sadness, I want to just be grateful that I know who I am still and that I know what I want and need in life. Music is something I will never let go of again - along with the knowledge of WHO I AM.
Saturday 17 July 2010
Film Bluff Blog
For several years now, I have been writing a Film Blog at Film Bluff's Blogspot (you may have seen the link at the right of this page). For a while now, I haven't really been watching that many movies, but its something I definitely want to change. I have recently updated it to show a review of the latest film I watched (Eclipse) and a trailer for a movie called "The Rebound".
Check them out at Film Bluff
Check them out at Film Bluff
Friday 16 July 2010
A list of things that make me who I am...
I decided to start a list of things that make me - me. These are things that have always been, that will probably never change, that define who I am as a person.
- I like my tea - milky but hot, with 2 sugars. Ever since I started drinking tea, this has always been the same. Even when I diet, this is something I find the hardest to change. Milky sweet tea is exactly what I like.
- I cry at movies - all sorts of movies. In honesty, not all movies make me cry, but the vast majority do. Anything with a happy ending, a sad ending or just a dramatic twist. I cry at a lot of TV programs too.
New Blog, New Start, New Life
I've always wanted to write a blog, but I've never really known what to write. So here I am, trying something new as I step out into the big wide world, into a new life.
My name is Belinda, but everyone I know calls me Bel, Bee or just B. I'm 31 years old, with 2 young children (aged 2 and 5). I am currently in the process of seperating from my husband of 5 years (and a relationship of 7) and whilst life is sort of hard right now, I know that in the long run, things will work out for the best.
All my life I have jumped from relationship to relationship, trying to find "Prince Charming", "Mr Right", or "The One". However right now my focus is getting my life back on track and doing the very best I can for my children. Some days will be good and some days will be bad, but the important thing for now is just taking each day at a time.
So here I am, this is me - never has the username "don't let me fade" been more relevant to me.
My name is Belinda, but everyone I know calls me Bel, Bee or just B. I'm 31 years old, with 2 young children (aged 2 and 5). I am currently in the process of seperating from my husband of 5 years (and a relationship of 7) and whilst life is sort of hard right now, I know that in the long run, things will work out for the best.
All my life I have jumped from relationship to relationship, trying to find "Prince Charming", "Mr Right", or "The One". However right now my focus is getting my life back on track and doing the very best I can for my children. Some days will be good and some days will be bad, but the important thing for now is just taking each day at a time.
So here I am, this is me - never has the username "don't let me fade" been more relevant to me.
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