I'm really not a big fan of weddings, never really have been. Yes I've been married twice myself (and separated twice) but that's not really the reason I don't like them - although I suppose its beginning to add to it.
I've always felt like weddings were a lot of hassle for nothing. A lot of people don't really enjoy them, they just go because they feel they should, or to be polite. The whole day can be stressful and long, especially if you have children and it doesn't mean an awful lot to anyone but the couple involved. Even for the couple themselves, weddings can be incredibly stressful and full of hassle for weeks up until the date. The they day goes past in such a blur that you barely remember it and you wonder why you put yourself through so much stress.
For my first wedding, I did the whole white wedding thing. The church, the white dress, the nice cars, the suits, the flowers, the lunch reception followed by evening disco - and honestly by the end of the day I really didn't remember all that much of it. I remember being so exhausted that there was no wedding bliss that night, just sleep and a feeling of being completely knackered.
When I got married the second time, it was a much more simple affair. We owned a restaurant and got married on Valentine's Day. Whilst this sounds romantic on paper, it was mostly for the publicity and we had 60 or so customers in the restaurant that evening. We got married at a registry office, not long after Megan was born and we went back to the reception with just the handful of people who came to the wedding, to enjoy champagne and bacon butties. After about an hour everyone went home, we got changed and spent the rest of the day in a panic about being ready for the evening. Admittedly I enjoyed it at the time, but that's because we kept it basic.
I'm going to a wedding tomorrow and its for my cousin and his (to be) wife. I've known about it since before my husband and I broke up and originally he was supposed to be coming too. However once we'd split up, I knew I would be facing the day alone, not only that but given the split, with raw feelings over marriage itself. I've been mentally preparing myself for it for a while now and whilst I don't expect it to be particularly enjoyable, I felt like I'd get through it. However last night I came down sick. I felt it coming on and I hoped it might be gone by morning but no such luck. Today I feel much worse with blocked nose, sore throat, chapped lips, aches and pains, and a cough. I'm managing ok in myself but I really feel like I lack in energy. On top of that I now have to face the likelihood that I'm going to be ill for the wedding.
All this combined is making me feel like crying. I don't really know why but I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. Not only am I ill and will be forcing myself to go to a wedding, but now I feel like I probably won't make it through the day without getting upset or feeling even more like shit. I dunno why I'm posting about this really. Maybe just for reference I suppose. I just know that I'm now actually dreading tomorrow. I just hope that it isn't as bad as I'm anticipating.
Friday, 8 October 2010
Lifehouse
So I mentioned in my last post that I went to London the other day and that was to see a band called Lifehouse. They're not big over here but I've known about them for almost 10 years, because of a friend I had on the internet in America. He introduced me to their song "Hanging By a Moment" and I loved it so much that I bought their album "No Name Face" which at the time I had to get imported from the US. They fast became one of my favourite bands and to this day, even though I've never bought another of their albums, I've continued to love their music. When the opportunity to go and see them in London came up - and tickets were only £20, I couldn't possibly believe my luck. I originally bought 4 tickets as I had a few people I knew who'd like to see them, but in the end it was just myself and my brother who went. And honestly... best concert I've been to.
Now seemingly Lifehouse have had a few albums out, but currently have released a new one called "Smoke and Mirrors". Luckily though the concert was a mixture of both the old ones and the new ones, so it was thoroughly enjoyable. They played for approximately an hour and a half and really it was just amazing. Forgetting to take my camera, I had to manage with the video on my phone which to be honest wasn't very good. It made me happy though that I managed to get the whole of "Hanging by a Moment" and "Everything".
I mentioned in my last post, that since splitting up with my husband, I've been trying to get out and do more things. Seeing Lifehouse was one of these. I also mentioned that I'm incredibly happy where I am in my life and while that's true, seeing Lifehouse was one of the first time it caught me, that I didn't really have anyone to share moments like this with any more. As I listened and enjoyed, I watched a couple in front of us who enjoyed the concert together, and at the slow songs wrapped their arms around each other and swayed. This was really the first time that the feeling of loneliness caught me. On top of that, there were some really emotional songs. Songs about love and about loving someone and about the way it makes you feel. I still want that with someone, I still want to know what that's like. I worry that I might not ever again, either due to circumstance or just not wanting to risk my heart again.
This is a video that someone else took, but of the same concert that I went to. This is my all time favourite song by Lifehouse and the words really move me.
Perhaps the biggest surprise and nicest moment was at the end. During the acoustic request section, Jason had played a few bars of Everything. I'd always liked this song but it wasn't rated in my top Lifehouse songs. However having heard "Hanging by a Moment" towards the end of the show, followed by another of the more recent ones, the band left the stage and the show was over. Except, really we knew it wasn't. It never is, the first time is it? And besides, the lights never came up so that was a sure sign. After about 3-4 minutes of screaming, clapping, cheering etc. the band ran back on to the stage to perform one last song - and wow, it really blew my mind.
This song actually made me feel quite emotional. It was the end of the concert and I had well and truly enjoyed the show. The excitement of seeing Lifehouse live, the sadness of not having someone to share it with and the powerful emotion of this song, just made it hit me. This song is beautiful and has some amazing lyrics and throughout it all, really all I could think was that I wanted someone to feel that way about me. I'm not one to say "I'm like this song" or compare myself to cliche's and lyrics. It means much more when someone else tells you that specific song lyrics make them think of you, or tell you that they make you feel a certain way. But if I ever love again, I want it to be the kind of love that I've always wanted and never managed to find. If I ever open up my heart to someone again, I don't want to just settle or think that this is as good as it gets. I want someone who loves me for everything I am, the high maintenance, the bad hair days, the time of the month, the tears for no reason. I know that love isn't like it is in the movies, but I don't see why you can't dream big and hope for more.
Now seemingly Lifehouse have had a few albums out, but currently have released a new one called "Smoke and Mirrors". Luckily though the concert was a mixture of both the old ones and the new ones, so it was thoroughly enjoyable. They played for approximately an hour and a half and really it was just amazing. Forgetting to take my camera, I had to manage with the video on my phone which to be honest wasn't very good. It made me happy though that I managed to get the whole of "Hanging by a Moment" and "Everything".
I mentioned in my last post, that since splitting up with my husband, I've been trying to get out and do more things. Seeing Lifehouse was one of these. I also mentioned that I'm incredibly happy where I am in my life and while that's true, seeing Lifehouse was one of the first time it caught me, that I didn't really have anyone to share moments like this with any more. As I listened and enjoyed, I watched a couple in front of us who enjoyed the concert together, and at the slow songs wrapped their arms around each other and swayed. This was really the first time that the feeling of loneliness caught me. On top of that, there were some really emotional songs. Songs about love and about loving someone and about the way it makes you feel. I still want that with someone, I still want to know what that's like. I worry that I might not ever again, either due to circumstance or just not wanting to risk my heart again.
"I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you"
This is a video that someone else took, but of the same concert that I went to. This is my all time favourite song by Lifehouse and the words really move me.
"Forgetting all I'm lackingSeeing my favourite song played live, really was a hell of experience. I was also hoping for "Breathing" as this has always been my second favourite song, but unfortunately it wasn't to be - because apparently it was a huge flop in America. Luckily though, we did get a few bars of it, when Jason came solo on the stage and acoustically played songs that the audience requested. If you'd like to see that video then its here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ic9zcqibj8s).
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now..."
Perhaps the biggest surprise and nicest moment was at the end. During the acoustic request section, Jason had played a few bars of Everything. I'd always liked this song but it wasn't rated in my top Lifehouse songs. However having heard "Hanging by a Moment" towards the end of the show, followed by another of the more recent ones, the band left the stage and the show was over. Except, really we knew it wasn't. It never is, the first time is it? And besides, the lights never came up so that was a sure sign. After about 3-4 minutes of screaming, clapping, cheering etc. the band ran back on to the stage to perform one last song - and wow, it really blew my mind.
The song is a bit slow to get going, but please bear with it if you're interested,
because the slow build up is part of the reason it's such an emotional song.
because the slow build up is part of the reason it's such an emotional song.
This song actually made me feel quite emotional. It was the end of the concert and I had well and truly enjoyed the show. The excitement of seeing Lifehouse live, the sadness of not having someone to share it with and the powerful emotion of this song, just made it hit me. This song is beautiful and has some amazing lyrics and throughout it all, really all I could think was that I wanted someone to feel that way about me. I'm not one to say "I'm like this song" or compare myself to cliche's and lyrics. It means much more when someone else tells you that specific song lyrics make them think of you, or tell you that they make you feel a certain way. But if I ever love again, I want it to be the kind of love that I've always wanted and never managed to find. If I ever open up my heart to someone again, I don't want to just settle or think that this is as good as it gets. I want someone who loves me for everything I am, the high maintenance, the bad hair days, the time of the month, the tears for no reason. I know that love isn't like it is in the movies, but I don't see why you can't dream big and hope for more.
Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Life or something like it...
So 2 and a half months ago, my life changed drastically as my husband and I separated and he moved out. In that time I have been reclaiming my life one step at a time, remembering who I am and what I like. I have tried to make more friends and spend time with them, I have tried to pursue the things I enjoy doing most and I have tried to get out and do more of the things I love to do. In the last few months I have been to Nottingham for the day, Alton Towers, London, see my crush in Lincoln Theatre Royal, the Muggle Meet weekend and lots more. I am happy. Not just happy today, or for a few days, but consistently happy with only occasional down moments - and that's all they are, just moments amoungst the general happiness. I am the happiest I have been in the longest of time and most importantly I'm just happy being me.
Don't get me wrong, I had happy times over the last 7 years of my relationship, of course there were many many many good times. Things weren't always bad, sometimes they were the best they ever could be. But overall, the relationship was rocky and I was often to be found walking on eggshells. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not the type of girl to walk on eggshells, I often stumble and fall, or stomp with big heavy boots. But that is not to say that I don't miss things and that is not to say that I don't catch myself thinking I wish I still had that, or could do that.
I look at my future and I don't see anyone else in it. That's not me thinking I won't ever find anyone else, its me feeling like really I don't need anyone else. My life is my own at the moment (other than the kids of course) and I'm enjoying it being that way. For the most part I would be happy if things never changed. I still have other aspects of my life that I want to concentrate on, like losing some weight, keeping the house a bit tidier, being better with money etc. but all these things can come. Staying positive and staying happy is really the best thing I can do right now and so that's what I'm doing.
Don't get me wrong, I had happy times over the last 7 years of my relationship, of course there were many many many good times. Things weren't always bad, sometimes they were the best they ever could be. But overall, the relationship was rocky and I was often to be found walking on eggshells. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not the type of girl to walk on eggshells, I often stumble and fall, or stomp with big heavy boots. But that is not to say that I don't miss things and that is not to say that I don't catch myself thinking I wish I still had that, or could do that.
I look at my future and I don't see anyone else in it. That's not me thinking I won't ever find anyone else, its me feeling like really I don't need anyone else. My life is my own at the moment (other than the kids of course) and I'm enjoying it being that way. For the most part I would be happy if things never changed. I still have other aspects of my life that I want to concentrate on, like losing some weight, keeping the house a bit tidier, being better with money etc. but all these things can come. Staying positive and staying happy is really the best thing I can do right now and so that's what I'm doing.
Friday, 24 September 2010
Crush
I've been having such a nice few weeks that I've really had nothing specific to write about recently, but then every time I think of something I'd like to say, I end up getting distracted by something else and the moment just passes me by. Really this moment has passed me by, but I can't help feeling that I should post about it anyway.
There are very few people who know me, that will read this, but those of you who do, will know that for 8 years I have had a crush on Darius Campbell (originally Danesh). It started in Summer of 2002, when his first song "Colourblind" was released, although I have to admit I'd always liked him on the reality TV shows he'd been on. I bought the single and soon after I bought his first album "Dive In". In fact, a relationship I started with an ex boyfriend was based on our mutual love for Darius - having bonded over the fact he had a magazine with an article about the man himself in it and he let me read it. This was shortly followed by a first date to see Darius sing in a shopping centre in Leeds. My ex boyfriend and I even had an agreement, that if I was to ever get the chance to meet Darius and have him like me, he would agree to us breaking up. It all sounds a bit ridiculous now but in all honesty I believed that I could be someone that Darius would want to be with, someone he would like to date.
Now 8 years onwards and I have to admit that crush has died over the years. A whole marriage later and he was almost forgotten about, although seeing him would always remind me of that crush. As you know, I'm now seperated and trying to remember what I like and what I don't and I'll tell you this much, my crush on Darius is still there!
Starting his new "History of the Big Bands" tour, his 2nd date was in Lincoln and I booked tickets for myself and the afore mentioned ex boyfriend to go and see (I'd say we're still friends but I guess that's debatable considering he didn't actually end up going with me). In the end though, I actually ended up going with my mum and constantly she was worrying that she would stand out, being one of the oldest there. This in itself was a laugh a minute, because when we actually DID arrive at the theatre, my mum was probably of the average age and I was the one feeling out of place.
My friend had joked before hand, that I might get the chance to meet him, our eyes meeting across the theatre, that he might fall in love with me and we'd live happily ever after. Whilst the thought made me laugh I didn't hold the same confidence that that could actually happen. I was happy to just go and listen and enjoy his voice. Little did I know that our eyes would meet across the theatre and I would get to meet him.
The concerty was brilliant and his voice was just as sexy as I remembered it to be. My heart was pounding nearly the whole way through and every time he caught my eye (as he did with several people during the night I'm sure) my pulse would race and I felt like I might actually have a heart attack. This not so familiar feeling of someone making your heart flutter was incredibly welcome and when I realised I would get the opportunity to actually meet him I really wasn't sure if I had died and gone to heaven. He kissed my cheek, signed my program and had his picture taken with me - whilst my legs went weak, my cheeks blushed and my heart skipped a few too many beats. This is what makes a crush worth having!
Now I'm not completely insane. I know that it will have meant nothing to him and in all honesty a few days later and its meaning less to me too. I know its nothing more than a crush, I know there is no actual feelings involved, I know that there is no future. However for those few hours, for the moments, it made the crush completely and utterly worth it.
I'm not looking for another relationship right now. I fear it may be some time before I'm actually ready to let someone look after my heart again. But in the mean time I will make the most of every crush, heart flutter and swoon that I possibly can. Life is for living, not just observing. I want to know that I own my life, not just be a bistander.
There are very few people who know me, that will read this, but those of you who do, will know that for 8 years I have had a crush on Darius Campbell (originally Danesh). It started in Summer of 2002, when his first song "Colourblind" was released, although I have to admit I'd always liked him on the reality TV shows he'd been on. I bought the single and soon after I bought his first album "Dive In". In fact, a relationship I started with an ex boyfriend was based on our mutual love for Darius - having bonded over the fact he had a magazine with an article about the man himself in it and he let me read it. This was shortly followed by a first date to see Darius sing in a shopping centre in Leeds. My ex boyfriend and I even had an agreement, that if I was to ever get the chance to meet Darius and have him like me, he would agree to us breaking up. It all sounds a bit ridiculous now but in all honesty I believed that I could be someone that Darius would want to be with, someone he would like to date.
Now 8 years onwards and I have to admit that crush has died over the years. A whole marriage later and he was almost forgotten about, although seeing him would always remind me of that crush. As you know, I'm now seperated and trying to remember what I like and what I don't and I'll tell you this much, my crush on Darius is still there!
Starting his new "History of the Big Bands" tour, his 2nd date was in Lincoln and I booked tickets for myself and the afore mentioned ex boyfriend to go and see (I'd say we're still friends but I guess that's debatable considering he didn't actually end up going with me). In the end though, I actually ended up going with my mum and constantly she was worrying that she would stand out, being one of the oldest there. This in itself was a laugh a minute, because when we actually DID arrive at the theatre, my mum was probably of the average age and I was the one feeling out of place.
My friend had joked before hand, that I might get the chance to meet him, our eyes meeting across the theatre, that he might fall in love with me and we'd live happily ever after. Whilst the thought made me laugh I didn't hold the same confidence that that could actually happen. I was happy to just go and listen and enjoy his voice. Little did I know that our eyes would meet across the theatre and I would get to meet him.
The concerty was brilliant and his voice was just as sexy as I remembered it to be. My heart was pounding nearly the whole way through and every time he caught my eye (as he did with several people during the night I'm sure) my pulse would race and I felt like I might actually have a heart attack. This not so familiar feeling of someone making your heart flutter was incredibly welcome and when I realised I would get the opportunity to actually meet him I really wasn't sure if I had died and gone to heaven. He kissed my cheek, signed my program and had his picture taken with me - whilst my legs went weak, my cheeks blushed and my heart skipped a few too many beats. This is what makes a crush worth having!
Now I'm not completely insane. I know that it will have meant nothing to him and in all honesty a few days later and its meaning less to me too. I know its nothing more than a crush, I know there is no actual feelings involved, I know that there is no future. However for those few hours, for the moments, it made the crush completely and utterly worth it.
I'm not looking for another relationship right now. I fear it may be some time before I'm actually ready to let someone look after my heart again. But in the mean time I will make the most of every crush, heart flutter and swoon that I possibly can. Life is for living, not just observing. I want to know that I own my life, not just be a bistander.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Still Alive
I just wanted to post that I'm still alive and struggling on. Life has been pretty up and down recently and when its good - I just want to make the most of being happy and not blog too much about the lows and when its bad - I just want to bury my head and forget all about it and so can't really blog.
I do want to make a post soon though, about friends and friendship. These last few weeks I wouldn't have got through without some of the most awesome friends a person could have. I could easily get into it right now but since I wasn't sitting down to do that just yet, I won't.
Anyway, life is ok and I'm doing ok. The sun is shining and today is a good day. Gradually there are more good days than bad days and so its all good by me. I will update again soon, one I've managed to prioritise my life a bit better.
Over and out.
I do want to make a post soon though, about friends and friendship. These last few weeks I wouldn't have got through without some of the most awesome friends a person could have. I could easily get into it right now but since I wasn't sitting down to do that just yet, I won't.
Anyway, life is ok and I'm doing ok. The sun is shining and today is a good day. Gradually there are more good days than bad days and so its all good by me. I will update again soon, one I've managed to prioritise my life a bit better.
Over and out.
Friday, 13 August 2010
Deckleswood.com
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Lonely
I'm so so lonely tonight. That's really all I can bring myself to say about it.
I just needed to say it "out loud".
I just needed to say it "out loud".
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