So 2 and a half months ago, my life changed drastically as my husband and I separated and he moved out. In that time I have been reclaiming my life one step at a time, remembering who I am and what I like. I have tried to make more friends and spend time with them, I have tried to pursue the things I enjoy doing most and I have tried to get out and do more of the things I love to do. In the last few months I have been to Nottingham for the day, Alton Towers, London, see my crush in Lincoln Theatre Royal, the Muggle Meet weekend and lots more. I am happy. Not just happy today, or for a few days, but consistently happy with only occasional down moments - and that's all they are, just moments amoungst the general happiness. I am the happiest I have been in the longest of time and most importantly I'm just happy being me.
Don't get me wrong, I had happy times over the last 7 years of my relationship, of course there were many many many good times. Things weren't always bad, sometimes they were the best they ever could be. But overall, the relationship was rocky and I was often to be found walking on eggshells. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not the type of girl to walk on eggshells, I often stumble and fall, or stomp with big heavy boots. But that is not to say that I don't miss things and that is not to say that I don't catch myself thinking I wish I still had that, or could do that.
I look at my future and I don't see anyone else in it. That's not me thinking I won't ever find anyone else, its me feeling like really I don't need anyone else. My life is my own at the moment (other than the kids of course) and I'm enjoying it being that way. For the most part I would be happy if things never changed. I still have other aspects of my life that I want to concentrate on, like losing some weight, keeping the house a bit tidier, being better with money etc. but all these things can come. Staying positive and staying happy is really the best thing I can do right now and so that's what I'm doing.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Still Alive
I just wanted to post that I'm still alive and struggling on. Life has been pretty up and down recently and when its good - I just want to make the most of being happy and not blog too much about the lows and when its bad - I just want to bury my head and forget all about it and so can't really blog.
I do want to make a post soon though, about friends and friendship. These last few weeks I wouldn't have got through without some of the most awesome friends a person could have. I could easily get into it right now but since I wasn't sitting down to do that just yet, I won't.
Anyway, life is ok and I'm doing ok. The sun is shining and today is a good day. Gradually there are more good days than bad days and so its all good by me. I will update again soon, one I've managed to prioritise my life a bit better.
Over and out.
I do want to make a post soon though, about friends and friendship. These last few weeks I wouldn't have got through without some of the most awesome friends a person could have. I could easily get into it right now but since I wasn't sitting down to do that just yet, I won't.
Anyway, life is ok and I'm doing ok. The sun is shining and today is a good day. Gradually there are more good days than bad days and so its all good by me. I will update again soon, one I've managed to prioritise my life a bit better.
Over and out.
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Lonely
I'm so so lonely tonight. That's really all I can bring myself to say about it.
I just needed to say it "out loud".
I just needed to say it "out loud".
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Familiarity
This week has been one of the hardest of my life so far. On Monday, my husband moved out and after spending a whole day working, I helped him from 7pm-1.30am to move all his things. This in itself was an incredible rollercoaster of emotions, resulting in lots of wine with a friend and no sleep until 6am (being up again at 9am). In fact, this week has largely been about not much sleep, having had only 1hr between 6am and 7am this morning too. Really, I should be in bed right now I suppose and I'll go, once I've written this post.
Over the last few days, I have formed many posts in my head - on a variety of thoughts. However with everything that's been going on, sitting down and writing my thoughts onto paper (or computer screen), hasn't been at the top of my list of things to do. I decided that once I've had a week or so of the current situation, I'll write about how it feels now my husband has moved out, but those feelings are so up and down at the moment I'm not sure I could put it into words anyway.
So the point of this particular post was familiarity and how it effects your feelings I suppose. You know when you know someone really well, and you're used to their company, you understand how they think and their reactions to certain things... you're familiar with them. With this comes a comfortableness and of course a certain amount of feelings. Something I have noticed over the last few weeks, is that familiarity can actually cause a huge amount of confussion. The thing I am dealing with at the moment, is does familiarity effect the way you feel about people, can it make you think you have feelings, or possibly even love, when maybe its nothing more than that familiar feeling. How do you know? How can you tell whether its love or if its just something familiar, something reliable, someone you know and understand.
Right now I guess I'm a little bit scared of the future and what it might bring. The thought of starting a relationship from the beginning again (even though I have no intention of doing so any time soon - its something I will need to consider one day), getting to know someone again, it honestly terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, there are some lovely parts to the first few weeks of a relationship - the romance, the passion, being swept away in the moment. First kisses, first hugs, butterfly flutters in your stomach. All those things I miss from starting a relationship. But having to get to know someone, let them know you, explain how you work, what makes you tick, what you like and what you don't - all that makes me feel a little bit sick.
And sometimes, when I'm low, I wonder if it would be better to have someone than no one, to tolerate an average relationship, rather than nothing at all. Because what if every relationship ends up that way in the long run, what if that's what relationships are, that there is no happily ever after? In which case why go through all the looking again and the learning and the understanding.
Familiarity with a person, makes you believe you have feelings for them. How do you know if they are real or not? We throw around the word love so much but how can we tell when its love and how can we tell when its actually just being with someone who understands you and who life feels easy with, even if just for that moment. When you still experience the butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation of a kiss, the sudden urge to just be held... when you realise that you don't want them to leave, when you miss them when they're gone...
Is that love? Is that just feelings from the past emerging again? Or is it nothing more than familiarity, clouding your judgement and making you think its something more than what it is.
I don't know the answer to this. I honestly don't. I'd like to think I know myself well enough to know real feelings from something you're just wanting to cling on to - but who can be sure?
Familiarity does breed contempt, but it also breeds a lot of confusion.
Over the last few days, I have formed many posts in my head - on a variety of thoughts. However with everything that's been going on, sitting down and writing my thoughts onto paper (or computer screen), hasn't been at the top of my list of things to do. I decided that once I've had a week or so of the current situation, I'll write about how it feels now my husband has moved out, but those feelings are so up and down at the moment I'm not sure I could put it into words anyway.
So the point of this particular post was familiarity and how it effects your feelings I suppose. You know when you know someone really well, and you're used to their company, you understand how they think and their reactions to certain things... you're familiar with them. With this comes a comfortableness and of course a certain amount of feelings. Something I have noticed over the last few weeks, is that familiarity can actually cause a huge amount of confussion. The thing I am dealing with at the moment, is does familiarity effect the way you feel about people, can it make you think you have feelings, or possibly even love, when maybe its nothing more than that familiar feeling. How do you know? How can you tell whether its love or if its just something familiar, something reliable, someone you know and understand.
Right now I guess I'm a little bit scared of the future and what it might bring. The thought of starting a relationship from the beginning again (even though I have no intention of doing so any time soon - its something I will need to consider one day), getting to know someone again, it honestly terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, there are some lovely parts to the first few weeks of a relationship - the romance, the passion, being swept away in the moment. First kisses, first hugs, butterfly flutters in your stomach. All those things I miss from starting a relationship. But having to get to know someone, let them know you, explain how you work, what makes you tick, what you like and what you don't - all that makes me feel a little bit sick.
And sometimes, when I'm low, I wonder if it would be better to have someone than no one, to tolerate an average relationship, rather than nothing at all. Because what if every relationship ends up that way in the long run, what if that's what relationships are, that there is no happily ever after? In which case why go through all the looking again and the learning and the understanding.
Familiarity with a person, makes you believe you have feelings for them. How do you know if they are real or not? We throw around the word love so much but how can we tell when its love and how can we tell when its actually just being with someone who understands you and who life feels easy with, even if just for that moment. When you still experience the butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation of a kiss, the sudden urge to just be held... when you realise that you don't want them to leave, when you miss them when they're gone...
Is that love? Is that just feelings from the past emerging again? Or is it nothing more than familiarity, clouding your judgement and making you think its something more than what it is.
I don't know the answer to this. I honestly don't. I'd like to think I know myself well enough to know real feelings from something you're just wanting to cling on to - but who can be sure?
Familiarity does breed contempt, but it also breeds a lot of confusion.
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Too many thoughts to decide on an appropriate title...
Today I feel sad, but not really for a bad reason - in fact, I suppose for a good reason. Do you ever have one of those days, when you face all the feelings that you normally keep locked up tight, that you struggle to keep on top of on a daily basis? Today is one of those days. A day when you open your heart up to someone and as you're saying the words, all the emotion attached to them, hits you like an avalanche.
Mums are awesome aren't they? I mean, they all have their bad days where they moan too much and they're in your business, but generally mum's are amazing. My mum IS amazing.
I remember about 3 years ago, when I told her about a relationship I'd had with someone who was 8-9 years younger than me. I remember watching her take it all in, her head almost exploding at all the information and then her just being incredibly normal about it. I remember that she didn't question what I felt or how I acted, but just accepted unconditionally. I remember that when I left my husband and tried to start a different life, how helpful she was and how understanding she tried to be. I remember above all else that I was amazed at just how great she was about everything.
Now, all these years later, here I am leaving my husband again - this time for good - and how amazingly supporting she's being. For the last few weeks, she's bent over backwards to lend me her car, to give me some of the freedom I've been desperately seeking and to make the situation I'm going through, just a little easier. Today once more, she showed me just how incredibly awesome she is.
I never meant to pour my heart out to her, I don't even know how the subject came up but yet I found myself, cup of tea in hand, telling her about things in my life that I never really thought she'd understand, let alone be supportive of. I told her about someone I'd been in touch with recently and feelings I had. I told her about a Tuesday a few weeks ago and the space in between. I told her that it felt like I was getting over not only a marriage, but a heart break at the same time.
Not only did she listen (and not fall off the sofa in surprise) but she actually tried to help. She offered solutions and encouragement until the point that I was left with nothing but tears.
It was at this point, I attempted a getaway, knowing that my emotions were getting to the point that I didn't want anyone else to see. Her parting words to me were "I wasn't brought up on Disney, but I still like happy endings" and it was with that I quickly dived into my car and drove away, through the blur of tears I was then crying.
I know my mum will probably never read this blog but I really just wanted to get down in words how amazing I think she is. I hope that, when my children are older, they will look at me and think exactly the same.
Mums are awesome aren't they? I mean, they all have their bad days where they moan too much and they're in your business, but generally mum's are amazing. My mum IS amazing.
I remember about 3 years ago, when I told her about a relationship I'd had with someone who was 8-9 years younger than me. I remember watching her take it all in, her head almost exploding at all the information and then her just being incredibly normal about it. I remember that she didn't question what I felt or how I acted, but just accepted unconditionally. I remember that when I left my husband and tried to start a different life, how helpful she was and how understanding she tried to be. I remember above all else that I was amazed at just how great she was about everything.
Now, all these years later, here I am leaving my husband again - this time for good - and how amazingly supporting she's being. For the last few weeks, she's bent over backwards to lend me her car, to give me some of the freedom I've been desperately seeking and to make the situation I'm going through, just a little easier. Today once more, she showed me just how incredibly awesome she is.
I never meant to pour my heart out to her, I don't even know how the subject came up but yet I found myself, cup of tea in hand, telling her about things in my life that I never really thought she'd understand, let alone be supportive of. I told her about someone I'd been in touch with recently and feelings I had. I told her about a Tuesday a few weeks ago and the space in between. I told her that it felt like I was getting over not only a marriage, but a heart break at the same time.
Not only did she listen (and not fall off the sofa in surprise) but she actually tried to help. She offered solutions and encouragement until the point that I was left with nothing but tears.
It was at this point, I attempted a getaway, knowing that my emotions were getting to the point that I didn't want anyone else to see. Her parting words to me were "I wasn't brought up on Disney, but I still like happy endings" and it was with that I quickly dived into my car and drove away, through the blur of tears I was then crying.
I know my mum will probably never read this blog but I really just wanted to get down in words how amazing I think she is. I hope that, when my children are older, they will look at me and think exactly the same.
“Mother is the one we count on for the things that matter most of all.”
-Katherine Butler Hathaway
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Independence
When you get into a relationship with someone, you give a bit of your independence away. You agree to depend on them for certain things, you let yourself become emotionally connected to them, you let down your barriers in order to give yourself to the relationship.
I have always been an incredibly independent person, to the point where relationships have sometimes been quite difficult. For as long as I can remember, I've been happy to stand on my own two feet and say "this is me, I don't need anyone else". In every relationship you enter, you let this go a little, just because for a relationship to work, you have to.
After 7 years in a relationship, I realise that I have now lost a lot of who I am and who I was. For the first few years in the relationship I kicked and screamed and rebelled against the conforms of a relationship. I didn't like to lose my independence and I fought hard not to. After a while, it was obvious that this was causing problems and I needed to compromise in order to enjoy life more. Over the whole time I have lost more and more of my Independence and learnt to rely on others for certain things (although in all honesty I know I do a lot more than some women in relationships do).
All of a sudden, I'm now facing the idea of being alone for - well possibly the rest of my life (because, let's face it, who wants to take on a 31 year old woman with 2 young children, who doesn't even get out much to meet new people anyway?). The idea excites and terrifies me, all at the same time. I feel like I am opening myself up to all sorts of possibilities. To being able to make my own choices and my own decisions, even just about how my house is decorated, or about the things I watch on TV. I feel like I can stop treading on eggshells and always thinking "what will he think?", "will this cause a problem?". However I am also terrified about whether I will cope. In honesty, deep down I know that I will. I know that I am still that strong and independent woman that I was 10 years ago. I know that I will survive and be happier for it. But right now, in this moment, I am worried that no one will ever want to be there for me again - or worse, that I'll never want to let anyone be there for me again. What if I become so independent again and so set in my way, that I'll never again let someone in?
Anyway, I sort of lost focus of where I was going with this post, but then it's morning time and my children are around and I always find it harder to concentrate on what I'm thinking, when they're around.
All I know is that, I am strong enough to cope with the changes that are happening in my life. There are still high days and low days, there are still outside factors that add to the ups and downs, but I'm taking each day at a time and I'm coming out the other side in one piece. Not only that but I'm learning to be more patient and more tolerant - not bite and snap at things that really don't matter any more.
"Without the strength to endure the crisis, one will not see the opportunity within. It is within the process of endurance that opportunity reveals itself."
I have always been an incredibly independent person, to the point where relationships have sometimes been quite difficult. For as long as I can remember, I've been happy to stand on my own two feet and say "this is me, I don't need anyone else". In every relationship you enter, you let this go a little, just because for a relationship to work, you have to.
After 7 years in a relationship, I realise that I have now lost a lot of who I am and who I was. For the first few years in the relationship I kicked and screamed and rebelled against the conforms of a relationship. I didn't like to lose my independence and I fought hard not to. After a while, it was obvious that this was causing problems and I needed to compromise in order to enjoy life more. Over the whole time I have lost more and more of my Independence and learnt to rely on others for certain things (although in all honesty I know I do a lot more than some women in relationships do).
All of a sudden, I'm now facing the idea of being alone for - well possibly the rest of my life (because, let's face it, who wants to take on a 31 year old woman with 2 young children, who doesn't even get out much to meet new people anyway?). The idea excites and terrifies me, all at the same time. I feel like I am opening myself up to all sorts of possibilities. To being able to make my own choices and my own decisions, even just about how my house is decorated, or about the things I watch on TV. I feel like I can stop treading on eggshells and always thinking "what will he think?", "will this cause a problem?". However I am also terrified about whether I will cope. In honesty, deep down I know that I will. I know that I am still that strong and independent woman that I was 10 years ago. I know that I will survive and be happier for it. But right now, in this moment, I am worried that no one will ever want to be there for me again - or worse, that I'll never want to let anyone be there for me again. What if I become so independent again and so set in my way, that I'll never again let someone in?
Anyway, I sort of lost focus of where I was going with this post, but then it's morning time and my children are around and I always find it harder to concentrate on what I'm thinking, when they're around.
All I know is that, I am strong enough to cope with the changes that are happening in my life. There are still high days and low days, there are still outside factors that add to the ups and downs, but I'm taking each day at a time and I'm coming out the other side in one piece. Not only that but I'm learning to be more patient and more tolerant - not bite and snap at things that really don't matter any more.
"Without the strength to endure the crisis, one will not see the opportunity within. It is within the process of endurance that opportunity reveals itself."
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Music is my Life
I have a friend who hates the expression "music is my life" but in this case I mean it slightly differently to the way she hates when people use it. Music isn't something I need in my life, it isn't like breathing or eating - but music can sum up any day you're having, any emotion you're feeling, anything you're going through in life. No matter what the occassion, there is an appropriate song that you can put on, to suit the mood.
For years and years, pretty much the majority of my internet life, I've always been incredibly into music. When people have asked "what kind of music are you into?" I've never really been able to answer, other than, I'll listen to anything once. I have to admit to not particularly being into Rave, Heavy Metal, Rap etc but there are always exceptions to the rules. I try to take each song in its own right and see if I like it for itself, rather than its genre. On the whole though I like main stream pop, R&B, rock, and dance. Obviously again, within all of these there are songs that I don't like so much but if I was generalising, it would be these genres.
Several years ago, I got out of the habit of listening to music often. It was partly to do with the people I no longer spoke to, partly to do with the life I lead (less driving, so less radio - no mp3 player, children to listen out for etc), and probably partly to do with the person I married. As much as I can fall in love with a tune, the music of a song, to me its always the lyrics that have stood out. For as long as I can remember, the words to a song have meant more than the song itself - and whilst the person I married was into music, it was never about the lyrics to them. So slowly over the years, I've detached myself from music, listen to it less, loved it less and relied on it less.
Recently, over the last few months, my love of music has flooded back. Again, this is probably to do with my change in circumstances. I have bought an iPhone and loaded it up with all the tunes I had on my laptop, along with all the ones I'd previously downloaded and saved to back up disks. Every day I try to fill my life with as much music as possible, often choosing to have it on over the TV or just silence.
Music is something that no one should live without, a little like love I suppose. The emotions that a song can evoke, the highs and the lows - you only have to look at movies and listen to their soundtracks, to realise how important music is to the emotions and mood of them.
This morning, an advert came on and the music in the background was Alexandra Burke's - All Night Long. I've been meaning to download the song for a while, so I used Shazam on my phone to locate it quickly (I LOVE SHAZAM BTW) and download it to my iPhone. As soon as I had it downloaded, I put it on and the urge to go dancing was incredible. In fact, in the end I had to turn it off, because the thought of going out and going dancing, actually made me feel pretty sad - but that's a whole other story I guess.
There are many songs in my life, that remind me of different people, different events, times in my life that I sometimes forget until I hear the song in question. Some make me happy and some make me sad, but either way I appreciate the actual function of feeling something. Sometimes my playlist can actually taunt me - do you ever get that? You put on your tunes, usually on a random shuffle, and then somehow it always manages to be songs that are currently relevant to your current situation or state of mind.
As you'll know, if you've read my previous entries, I'm currently going through a seperation from my husband of 5 years. Whilst the whole process is incredibly scary, underneath it all I feel liberated by it. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm remembering who I am again, I feel like I'm finding my feet again. Music was a huge part of my life before and slowly that seems to be coming back too.
I want to feel. I want to love. I want to be me. Even though sometimes those things will cause sadness, I want to just be grateful that I know who I am still and that I know what I want and need in life. Music is something I will never let go of again - along with the knowledge of WHO I AM.
For years and years, pretty much the majority of my internet life, I've always been incredibly into music. When people have asked "what kind of music are you into?" I've never really been able to answer, other than, I'll listen to anything once. I have to admit to not particularly being into Rave, Heavy Metal, Rap etc but there are always exceptions to the rules. I try to take each song in its own right and see if I like it for itself, rather than its genre. On the whole though I like main stream pop, R&B, rock, and dance. Obviously again, within all of these there are songs that I don't like so much but if I was generalising, it would be these genres.
Several years ago, I got out of the habit of listening to music often. It was partly to do with the people I no longer spoke to, partly to do with the life I lead (less driving, so less radio - no mp3 player, children to listen out for etc), and probably partly to do with the person I married. As much as I can fall in love with a tune, the music of a song, to me its always the lyrics that have stood out. For as long as I can remember, the words to a song have meant more than the song itself - and whilst the person I married was into music, it was never about the lyrics to them. So slowly over the years, I've detached myself from music, listen to it less, loved it less and relied on it less.
Recently, over the last few months, my love of music has flooded back. Again, this is probably to do with my change in circumstances. I have bought an iPhone and loaded it up with all the tunes I had on my laptop, along with all the ones I'd previously downloaded and saved to back up disks. Every day I try to fill my life with as much music as possible, often choosing to have it on over the TV or just silence.
Music is something that no one should live without, a little like love I suppose. The emotions that a song can evoke, the highs and the lows - you only have to look at movies and listen to their soundtracks, to realise how important music is to the emotions and mood of them.
This morning, an advert came on and the music in the background was Alexandra Burke's - All Night Long. I've been meaning to download the song for a while, so I used Shazam on my phone to locate it quickly (I LOVE SHAZAM BTW) and download it to my iPhone. As soon as I had it downloaded, I put it on and the urge to go dancing was incredible. In fact, in the end I had to turn it off, because the thought of going out and going dancing, actually made me feel pretty sad - but that's a whole other story I guess.
There are many songs in my life, that remind me of different people, different events, times in my life that I sometimes forget until I hear the song in question. Some make me happy and some make me sad, but either way I appreciate the actual function of feeling something. Sometimes my playlist can actually taunt me - do you ever get that? You put on your tunes, usually on a random shuffle, and then somehow it always manages to be songs that are currently relevant to your current situation or state of mind.
As you'll know, if you've read my previous entries, I'm currently going through a seperation from my husband of 5 years. Whilst the whole process is incredibly scary, underneath it all I feel liberated by it. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm remembering who I am again, I feel like I'm finding my feet again. Music was a huge part of my life before and slowly that seems to be coming back too.
I want to feel. I want to love. I want to be me. Even though sometimes those things will cause sadness, I want to just be grateful that I know who I am still and that I know what I want and need in life. Music is something I will never let go of again - along with the knowledge of WHO I AM.
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