Lifehouse

So I mentioned in my last post that I went to London the other day and that was to see a band called Lifehouse. They're not big over here but I've known about them for almost 10 years, because of a friend I had on the internet in America. He introduced me to their song "Hanging By a Moment" and I loved it so much that I bought their album "No Name Face" which at the time I had to get imported from the US. They fast became one of my favourite bands and to this day, even though I've never bought another of their albums, I've continued to love their music. When the opportunity to go and see them in London came up - and tickets were only £20, I couldn't possibly believe my luck. I originally bought 4 tickets as I had a few people I knew who'd like to see them, but in the end it was just myself and my brother who went. And honestly... best concert I've been to.

Now seemingly Lifehouse have had a few albums out, but currently have released a new one called "Smoke and Mirrors". Luckily though the concert was a mixture of both the old ones and the new ones, so it was thoroughly enjoyable. They played for approximately an hour and a half and really it was just amazing. Forgetting to take my camera, I had to manage with the video on my phone which to be honest wasn't very good. It made me happy though that I managed to get the whole of "Hanging by a Moment" and "Everything".

I mentioned in my last post, that since splitting up with my husband, I've been trying to get out and do more things. Seeing Lifehouse was one of these. I also mentioned that I'm incredibly happy where I am in my life and while that's true, seeing Lifehouse was one of the first time it caught me, that I didn't really have anyone to share moments like this with any more. As I listened and enjoyed, I watched a couple in front of us who enjoyed the concert together, and at the slow songs wrapped their arms around each other and swayed. This was really the first time that the feeling of loneliness caught me. On top of that, there were some really emotional songs. Songs about love and about loving someone and about the way it makes you feel. I still want that with someone, I still want to know what that's like. I worry that I might not ever again, either due to circumstance or just not wanting to risk my heart again.

"I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you"

This is a video that someone else took, but of the same concert that I went to. This is my all time favourite song by Lifehouse and the words really move me.

"Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now..."

Seeing my favourite song played live, really was a hell of experience. I was also hoping for "Breathing" as this has always been my second favourite song, but unfortunately it wasn't to be - because apparently it was a huge flop in America. Luckily though, we did get a few bars of it, when Jason came solo on the stage and acoustically played songs that the audience requested. If you'd like to see that video then its here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ic9zcqibj8s).

Perhaps the biggest surprise and nicest moment was at the end. During the acoustic request section, Jason had played a few bars of Everything. I'd always liked this song but it wasn't rated in my top Lifehouse songs. However having heard "Hanging by a Moment" towards the end of the show, followed by another of the more recent ones, the band left the stage and the show was over. Except, really we knew it wasn't. It never is, the first time is it? And besides, the lights never came up so that was a sure sign. After about 3-4 minutes of screaming, clapping, cheering etc. the band ran back on to the stage to perform one last song - and wow, it really blew my mind.

The song is a bit slow to get going, but please bear with it if you're interested,
because the slow build up is part of the reason it's such an emotional song.

This song actually made me feel quite emotional. It was the end of the concert and I had well and truly enjoyed the show. The excitement of seeing Lifehouse live, the sadness of not having someone to share it with and the powerful emotion of this song, just made it hit me. This song is beautiful and has some amazing lyrics and throughout it all, really all I could think was that I wanted someone to feel that way about me. I'm not one to say "I'm like this song" or compare myself to cliche's and lyrics. It means much more when someone else tells you that specific song lyrics make them think of you, or tell you that they make you feel a certain way. But if I ever love again, I want it to be the kind of love that I've always wanted and never managed to find. If I ever open up my heart to someone again, I don't want to just settle or think that this is as good as it gets. I want someone who loves me for everything I am, the high maintenance, the bad hair days, the time of the month, the tears for no reason. I know that love isn't like it is in the movies, but I don't see why you can't dream big and hope for more.

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Crush

I've been having such a nice few weeks that I've really had nothing specific to write about recently, but then every time I think of something I'd like to say, I end up getting distracted by something else and the moment just passes me by. Really this moment has passed me by, but I can't help feeling that I should post about it anyway.

There are very few people who know me, that will read this, but those of you who do, will know that for 8 years I have had a crush on Darius Campbell (originally Danesh). It started in Summer of 2002, when his first song "Colourblind" was released, although I have to admit I'd always liked him on the reality TV shows he'd been on. I bought the single and soon after I bought his first album "Dive In". In fact, a relationship I started with an ex boyfriend was based on our mutual love for Darius - having bonded over the fact he had a magazine with an article about the man himself in it and he let me read it. This was shortly followed by a first date to see Darius sing in a shopping centre in Leeds. My ex boyfriend and I even had an agreement, that if I was to ever get the chance to meet Darius and have him like me, he would agree to us breaking up. It all sounds a bit ridiculous now but in all honesty I believed that I could be someone that Darius would want to be with, someone he would like to date.

Now 8 years onwards and I have to admit that crush has died over the years. A whole marriage later and he was almost forgotten about, although seeing him would always remind me of that crush. As you know, I'm now seperated and trying to remember what I like and what I don't and I'll tell you this much, my crush on Darius is still there!

Starting his new "History of the Big Bands" tour, his 2nd date was in Lincoln and I booked tickets for myself and the afore mentioned ex boyfriend to go and see (I'd say we're still friends but I guess that's debatable considering he didn't actually end up going with me). In the end though, I actually ended up going with my mum and constantly she was worrying that she would stand out, being one of the oldest there. This in itself was a laugh a minute, because when we actually DID arrive at the theatre, my mum was probably of the average age and I was the one feeling out of place.

My friend had joked before hand, that I might get the chance to meet him, our eyes meeting across the theatre, that he might fall in love with me and we'd live happily ever after. Whilst the thought made me laugh I didn't hold the same confidence that that could actually happen. I was happy to just go and listen and enjoy his voice. Little did I know that our eyes would meet across the theatre and I would get to meet him.

The concerty was brilliant and his voice was just as sexy as I remembered it to be. My heart was pounding nearly the whole way through and every time he caught my eye (as he did with several people during the night I'm sure) my pulse would race and I felt like I might actually have a heart attack. This not so familiar feeling of someone making your heart flutter was incredibly welcome and when I realised I would get the opportunity to actually meet him I really wasn't sure if I had died and gone to heaven. He kissed my cheek, signed my program and had his picture taken with me - whilst my legs went weak, my cheeks blushed and my heart skipped a few too many beats. This is what makes a crush worth having!

Now I'm not completely insane. I know that it will have meant nothing to him and in all honesty a few days later and its meaning less to me too. I know its nothing more than a crush, I know there is no actual feelings involved, I know that there is no future. However for those few hours, for the moments, it made the crush completely and utterly worth it.

I'm not looking for another relationship right now. I fear it may be some time before I'm actually ready to let someone look after my heart again. But in the mean time I will make the most of every crush, heart flutter and swoon that I possibly can. Life is for living, not just observing. I want to know that I own my life, not just be a bistander.

Lonely

I'm so so lonely tonight. That's really all I can bring myself to say about it.

I just needed to say it "out loud".

Goodbyes

"Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything I thought I knew"

Goodbyes are usually very sad things. Ok, sometimes you're just politely saying bye to a customer or someone who has served you in a shop, or sometimes a friend or family member who you know you will see or speak to again within in a few days - but mostly, saying goodbye can be a very sad time.

People come and go from your life and you rarely get the opportunity to actually say goodbye to them. When people die, you wish you got the opportunity to say goodbye. When friendships drift and eventually break, you realise that you never really said bye, it just happened. Sometimes we say goodbye, knowing that we don't know the next time we'll see a person, but we're not sad because we know we will again one day or that there is at least the opportunity you will. Other times its people we went to school with who we say goodbye to on the last day of school and if we see them again its great and if we don't then it doesn't really matter. With things like Facebook and especially the internet as a whole, we often find ourselves back in touch with those people anyway.

But saying goodbye to a loved one, that is the hardest thing. There is a scene in "Love Actually" which I absolutely love, where the Prime Minister is talking about airports. As it happens, he's actually talking about the Arrivals gate, but the Departure gate must be a very similar affair. People saying goodbye for short times and people saying goodbye for long times. Saying goodbye as people move away, go on holiday, or go away for business. Either way, saying goodbye is a heart breaking things to do. However, in most circumstances, you know there is always a chance that you will see that person again - that the possibility is never completely ruled out.

So what about when a relationship ends? When a boyfriend and girlfriend split up, when a marriage seperates, when people realise they no longer want to be together? Well I don't know about you, but I don't really remember saying goodbye to many relationships. I remember being told someone didn't want to be with me, or telling someone else the same thing. Usually break ups are messy and hurtful and the last thing you're actually thinking about saying is the word "goodbye". In most cases we don't want to see the person again, or if you do then its a one sided thing and they no longer feel the same. Again you just drift by, never knowing if you might catch a glimpse of that person, or bump into them somewhere. In marriages and seperations, where children are involved, you rarely get to really say goodbye. You say it to the relationship, to the marriage, but you know that person will still remain in your life forever - you'll always see them.

But how many times have you been knowingly able to say goodbye to a relationship? How many times have you been given the opportunity to say "Goodbye, I know I'll never see you again." For whatever reason, you have decided the relationship won't work and its over. You know that you can't possibly see or speak to each other and you have to cut the final thread, saying goodbye to that person for good. Its polite and its emotionless, as you've tried to say goodbye so many other times and so many other ways, that you've exhausted all other emotions. You're left feeling nothing but numb and empty, not quite able to believe that its really happened. I did this today, so trust me I know.

But, I hear you saying, how do you know you'll never see or speak to this person again? The answer is I don't. In my heart, I'm not even sure I believe its forever, dispite what's been said today. I have known this person for 9 years and been in touch with them on and off throughout that time. During those years my feelings have been fairly consistent, increasing rather than deminishing. Do I truly believe I will never see or speak to that person again? I really don't know. I don't even know whether I want it to be that way or not. But if it is, and that was goodbye to 9 years and everything that went along with it - it was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done. All those feelings, seem so wasted by an ending like that, but what other way is there to say goodbye? We can't do nice goodbyes, not when it really matters, because then there is too much temptation to cling on. And we can't do bad goodbyes, because then there is too much temptation to apologise and put things right. If that was goodbye for good, it really was the only way it could happen.

Independence

When you get into a relationship with someone, you give a bit of your independence away. You agree to depend on them for certain things, you let yourself become emotionally connected to them, you let down your barriers in order to give yourself to the relationship.

I have always been an incredibly independent person, to the point where relationships have sometimes been quite difficult. For as long as I can remember, I've been happy to stand on my own two feet and say "this is me, I don't need anyone else". In every relationship you enter, you let this go a little, just because for a relationship to work, you have to.

After 7 years in a relationship, I realise that I have now lost a lot of who I am and who I was. For the first few years in the relationship I kicked and screamed and rebelled against the conforms of a relationship. I didn't like to lose my independence and I fought hard not to. After a while, it was obvious that this was causing problems and I needed to compromise in order to enjoy life more. Over the whole time I have lost more and more of my Independence and learnt to rely on others for certain things (although in all honesty I know I do a lot more than some women in relationships do).

All of a sudden, I'm now facing the idea of being alone for - well possibly the rest of my life (because, let's face it, who wants to take on a 31 year old woman with 2 young children, who doesn't even get out much to meet new people anyway?). The idea excites and terrifies me, all at the same time. I feel like I am opening myself up to all sorts of possibilities. To being able to make my own choices and my own decisions, even just about how my house is decorated, or about the things I watch on TV. I feel like I can stop treading on eggshells and always thinking "what will he think?", "will this cause a problem?". However I am also terrified about whether I will cope. In honesty, deep down I know that I will. I know that I am still that strong and independent woman that I was 10 years ago. I know that I will survive and be happier for it. But right now, in this moment, I am worried that no one will ever want to be there for me again - or worse, that I'll never want to let anyone be there for me again. What if I become so independent again and so set in my way, that I'll never again let someone in?

Anyway, I sort of lost focus of where I was going with this post, but then it's morning time and my children are around and I always find it harder to concentrate on what I'm thinking, when they're around.

All I know is that, I am strong enough to cope with the changes that are happening in my life. There are still high days and low days, there are still outside factors that add to the ups and downs, but I'm taking each day at a time and I'm coming out the other side in one piece. Not only that but I'm learning to be more patient and more tolerant - not bite and snap at things that really don't matter any more.

"Without the strength to endure the crisis, one will not see the opportunity within. It is within the process of endurance that opportunity reveals itself."

New Blog, New Start, New Life

I've always wanted to write a blog, but I've never really known what to write. So here I am, trying something new as I step out into the big wide world, into a new life.

My name is Belinda, but everyone I know calls me Bel, Bee or just B. I'm 31 years old, with 2 young children (aged 2 and 5). I am currently in the process of seperating from my husband of 5 years (and a relationship of 7) and whilst life is sort of hard right now, I know that in the long run, things will work out for the best.

All my life I have jumped from relationship to relationship, trying to find "Prince Charming", "Mr Right", or "The One". However right now my focus is getting my life back on track and doing the very best I can for my children. Some days will be good and some days will be bad, but the important thing for now is just taking each day at a time.

So here I am, this is me - never has the username "don't let me fade" been more relevant to me.