Lifehouse

So I mentioned in my last post that I went to London the other day and that was to see a band called Lifehouse. They're not big over here but I've known about them for almost 10 years, because of a friend I had on the internet in America. He introduced me to their song "Hanging By a Moment" and I loved it so much that I bought their album "No Name Face" which at the time I had to get imported from the US. They fast became one of my favourite bands and to this day, even though I've never bought another of their albums, I've continued to love their music. When the opportunity to go and see them in London came up - and tickets were only £20, I couldn't possibly believe my luck. I originally bought 4 tickets as I had a few people I knew who'd like to see them, but in the end it was just myself and my brother who went. And honestly... best concert I've been to.

Now seemingly Lifehouse have had a few albums out, but currently have released a new one called "Smoke and Mirrors". Luckily though the concert was a mixture of both the old ones and the new ones, so it was thoroughly enjoyable. They played for approximately an hour and a half and really it was just amazing. Forgetting to take my camera, I had to manage with the video on my phone which to be honest wasn't very good. It made me happy though that I managed to get the whole of "Hanging by a Moment" and "Everything".

I mentioned in my last post, that since splitting up with my husband, I've been trying to get out and do more things. Seeing Lifehouse was one of these. I also mentioned that I'm incredibly happy where I am in my life and while that's true, seeing Lifehouse was one of the first time it caught me, that I didn't really have anyone to share moments like this with any more. As I listened and enjoyed, I watched a couple in front of us who enjoyed the concert together, and at the slow songs wrapped their arms around each other and swayed. This was really the first time that the feeling of loneliness caught me. On top of that, there were some really emotional songs. Songs about love and about loving someone and about the way it makes you feel. I still want that with someone, I still want to know what that's like. I worry that I might not ever again, either due to circumstance or just not wanting to risk my heart again.

"I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held onto
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you"

This is a video that someone else took, but of the same concert that I went to. This is my all time favourite song by Lifehouse and the words really move me.

"Forgetting all I'm lacking
Completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation
You take all of me now..."

Seeing my favourite song played live, really was a hell of experience. I was also hoping for "Breathing" as this has always been my second favourite song, but unfortunately it wasn't to be - because apparently it was a huge flop in America. Luckily though, we did get a few bars of it, when Jason came solo on the stage and acoustically played songs that the audience requested. If you'd like to see that video then its here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ic9zcqibj8s).

Perhaps the biggest surprise and nicest moment was at the end. During the acoustic request section, Jason had played a few bars of Everything. I'd always liked this song but it wasn't rated in my top Lifehouse songs. However having heard "Hanging by a Moment" towards the end of the show, followed by another of the more recent ones, the band left the stage and the show was over. Except, really we knew it wasn't. It never is, the first time is it? And besides, the lights never came up so that was a sure sign. After about 3-4 minutes of screaming, clapping, cheering etc. the band ran back on to the stage to perform one last song - and wow, it really blew my mind.

The song is a bit slow to get going, but please bear with it if you're interested,
because the slow build up is part of the reason it's such an emotional song.

This song actually made me feel quite emotional. It was the end of the concert and I had well and truly enjoyed the show. The excitement of seeing Lifehouse live, the sadness of not having someone to share it with and the powerful emotion of this song, just made it hit me. This song is beautiful and has some amazing lyrics and throughout it all, really all I could think was that I wanted someone to feel that way about me. I'm not one to say "I'm like this song" or compare myself to cliche's and lyrics. It means much more when someone else tells you that specific song lyrics make them think of you, or tell you that they make you feel a certain way. But if I ever love again, I want it to be the kind of love that I've always wanted and never managed to find. If I ever open up my heart to someone again, I don't want to just settle or think that this is as good as it gets. I want someone who loves me for everything I am, the high maintenance, the bad hair days, the time of the month, the tears for no reason. I know that love isn't like it is in the movies, but I don't see why you can't dream big and hope for more.

Find me here
Speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Crush

I've been having such a nice few weeks that I've really had nothing specific to write about recently, but then every time I think of something I'd like to say, I end up getting distracted by something else and the moment just passes me by. Really this moment has passed me by, but I can't help feeling that I should post about it anyway.

There are very few people who know me, that will read this, but those of you who do, will know that for 8 years I have had a crush on Darius Campbell (originally Danesh). It started in Summer of 2002, when his first song "Colourblind" was released, although I have to admit I'd always liked him on the reality TV shows he'd been on. I bought the single and soon after I bought his first album "Dive In". In fact, a relationship I started with an ex boyfriend was based on our mutual love for Darius - having bonded over the fact he had a magazine with an article about the man himself in it and he let me read it. This was shortly followed by a first date to see Darius sing in a shopping centre in Leeds. My ex boyfriend and I even had an agreement, that if I was to ever get the chance to meet Darius and have him like me, he would agree to us breaking up. It all sounds a bit ridiculous now but in all honesty I believed that I could be someone that Darius would want to be with, someone he would like to date.

Now 8 years onwards and I have to admit that crush has died over the years. A whole marriage later and he was almost forgotten about, although seeing him would always remind me of that crush. As you know, I'm now seperated and trying to remember what I like and what I don't and I'll tell you this much, my crush on Darius is still there!

Starting his new "History of the Big Bands" tour, his 2nd date was in Lincoln and I booked tickets for myself and the afore mentioned ex boyfriend to go and see (I'd say we're still friends but I guess that's debatable considering he didn't actually end up going with me). In the end though, I actually ended up going with my mum and constantly she was worrying that she would stand out, being one of the oldest there. This in itself was a laugh a minute, because when we actually DID arrive at the theatre, my mum was probably of the average age and I was the one feeling out of place.

My friend had joked before hand, that I might get the chance to meet him, our eyes meeting across the theatre, that he might fall in love with me and we'd live happily ever after. Whilst the thought made me laugh I didn't hold the same confidence that that could actually happen. I was happy to just go and listen and enjoy his voice. Little did I know that our eyes would meet across the theatre and I would get to meet him.

The concerty was brilliant and his voice was just as sexy as I remembered it to be. My heart was pounding nearly the whole way through and every time he caught my eye (as he did with several people during the night I'm sure) my pulse would race and I felt like I might actually have a heart attack. This not so familiar feeling of someone making your heart flutter was incredibly welcome and when I realised I would get the opportunity to actually meet him I really wasn't sure if I had died and gone to heaven. He kissed my cheek, signed my program and had his picture taken with me - whilst my legs went weak, my cheeks blushed and my heart skipped a few too many beats. This is what makes a crush worth having!

Now I'm not completely insane. I know that it will have meant nothing to him and in all honesty a few days later and its meaning less to me too. I know its nothing more than a crush, I know there is no actual feelings involved, I know that there is no future. However for those few hours, for the moments, it made the crush completely and utterly worth it.

I'm not looking for another relationship right now. I fear it may be some time before I'm actually ready to let someone look after my heart again. But in the mean time I will make the most of every crush, heart flutter and swoon that I possibly can. Life is for living, not just observing. I want to know that I own my life, not just be a bistander.

Music is my Life

I have a friend who hates the expression "music is my life" but in this case I mean it slightly differently to the way she hates when people use it. Music isn't something I need in my life, it isn't like breathing or eating - but music can sum up any day you're having, any emotion you're feeling, anything you're going through in life. No matter what the occassion, there is an appropriate song that you can put on, to suit the mood.

For years and years, pretty much the majority of my internet life, I've always been incredibly into music. When people have asked "what kind of music are you into?" I've never really been able to answer, other than, I'll listen to anything once. I have to admit to not particularly being into Rave, Heavy Metal, Rap etc but there are always exceptions to the rules. I try to take each song in its own right and see if I like it for itself, rather than its genre. On the whole though I like main stream pop, R&B, rock, and dance. Obviously again, within all of these there are songs that I don't like so much but if I was generalising, it would be these genres.

Several years ago, I got out of the habit of listening to music often. It was partly to do with the people I no longer spoke to, partly to do with the life I lead (less driving, so less radio - no mp3 player, children to listen out for etc), and probably partly to do with the person I married. As much as I can fall in love with a tune, the music of a song, to me its always the lyrics that have stood out. For as long as I can remember, the words to a song have meant more than the song itself - and whilst the person I married was into music, it was never about the lyrics to them. So slowly over the years, I've detached myself from music, listen to it less, loved it less and relied on it less.

Recently, over the last few months, my love of music has flooded back. Again, this is probably to do with my change in circumstances. I have bought an iPhone and loaded it up with all the tunes I had on my laptop, along with all the ones I'd previously downloaded and saved to back up disks. Every day I try to fill my life with as much music as possible, often choosing to have it on over the TV or just silence.

Music is something that no one should live without, a little like love I suppose. The emotions that a song can evoke, the highs and the lows - you only have to look at movies and listen to their soundtracks, to realise how important music is to the emotions and mood of them.

This morning, an advert came on and the music in the background was Alexandra Burke's - All Night Long. I've been meaning to download the song for a while, so I used Shazam on my phone to locate it quickly (I LOVE SHAZAM BTW) and download it to my iPhone. As soon as I had it downloaded, I put it on and the urge to go dancing was incredible. In fact, in the end I had to turn it off, because the thought of going out and going dancing, actually made me feel pretty sad - but that's a whole other story I guess.

There are many songs in my life, that remind me of different people, different events, times in my life that I sometimes forget until I hear the song in question. Some make me happy and some make me sad, but either way I appreciate the actual function of feeling something. Sometimes my playlist can actually taunt me - do you ever get that? You put on your tunes, usually on a random shuffle, and then somehow it always manages to be songs that are currently relevant to your current situation or state of mind.

As you'll know, if you've read my previous entries, I'm currently going through a seperation from my husband of 5 years. Whilst the whole process is incredibly scary, underneath it all I feel liberated by it. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm remembering who I am again, I feel like I'm finding my feet again. Music was a huge part of my life before and slowly that seems to be coming back too.

I want to feel. I want to love. I want to be me. Even though sometimes those things will cause sadness, I want to just be grateful that I know who I am still and that I know what I want and need in life. Music is something I will never let go of again - along with the knowledge of WHO I AM.