So 2 and a half months ago, my life changed drastically as my husband and I separated and he moved out. In that time I have been reclaiming my life one step at a time, remembering who I am and what I like. I have tried to make more friends and spend time with them, I have tried to pursue the things I enjoy doing most and I have tried to get out and do more of the things I love to do. In the last few months I have been to Nottingham for the day, Alton Towers, London, see my crush in Lincoln Theatre Royal, the Muggle Meet weekend and lots more. I am happy. Not just happy today, or for a few days, but consistently happy with only occasional down moments - and that's all they are, just moments amoungst the general happiness. I am the happiest I have been in the longest of time and most importantly I'm just happy being me.
Don't get me wrong, I had happy times over the last 7 years of my relationship, of course there were many many many good times. Things weren't always bad, sometimes they were the best they ever could be. But overall, the relationship was rocky and I was often to be found walking on eggshells. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not the type of girl to walk on eggshells, I often stumble and fall, or stomp with big heavy boots. But that is not to say that I don't miss things and that is not to say that I don't catch myself thinking I wish I still had that, or could do that.
I look at my future and I don't see anyone else in it. That's not me thinking I won't ever find anyone else, its me feeling like really I don't need anyone else. My life is my own at the moment (other than the kids of course) and I'm enjoying it being that way. For the most part I would be happy if things never changed. I still have other aspects of my life that I want to concentrate on, like losing some weight, keeping the house a bit tidier, being better with money etc. but all these things can come. Staying positive and staying happy is really the best thing I can do right now and so that's what I'm doing.
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Goodbyes
"Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything I thought I knew"
Goodbyes are usually very sad things. Ok, sometimes you're just politely saying bye to a customer or someone who has served you in a shop, or sometimes a friend or family member who you know you will see or speak to again within in a few days - but mostly, saying goodbye can be a very sad time.
People come and go from your life and you rarely get the opportunity to actually say goodbye to them. When people die, you wish you got the opportunity to say goodbye. When friendships drift and eventually break, you realise that you never really said bye, it just happened. Sometimes we say goodbye, knowing that we don't know the next time we'll see a person, but we're not sad because we know we will again one day or that there is at least the opportunity you will. Other times its people we went to school with who we say goodbye to on the last day of school and if we see them again its great and if we don't then it doesn't really matter. With things like Facebook and especially the internet as a whole, we often find ourselves back in touch with those people anyway.
But saying goodbye to a loved one, that is the hardest thing. There is a scene in "Love Actually" which I absolutely love, where the Prime Minister is talking about airports. As it happens, he's actually talking about the Arrivals gate, but the Departure gate must be a very similar affair. People saying goodbye for short times and people saying goodbye for long times. Saying goodbye as people move away, go on holiday, or go away for business. Either way, saying goodbye is a heart breaking things to do. However, in most circumstances, you know there is always a chance that you will see that person again - that the possibility is never completely ruled out.
So what about when a relationship ends? When a boyfriend and girlfriend split up, when a marriage seperates, when people realise they no longer want to be together? Well I don't know about you, but I don't really remember saying goodbye to many relationships. I remember being told someone didn't want to be with me, or telling someone else the same thing. Usually break ups are messy and hurtful and the last thing you're actually thinking about saying is the word "goodbye". In most cases we don't want to see the person again, or if you do then its a one sided thing and they no longer feel the same. Again you just drift by, never knowing if you might catch a glimpse of that person, or bump into them somewhere. In marriages and seperations, where children are involved, you rarely get to really say goodbye. You say it to the relationship, to the marriage, but you know that person will still remain in your life forever - you'll always see them.
But how many times have you been knowingly able to say goodbye to a relationship? How many times have you been given the opportunity to say "Goodbye, I know I'll never see you again." For whatever reason, you have decided the relationship won't work and its over. You know that you can't possibly see or speak to each other and you have to cut the final thread, saying goodbye to that person for good. Its polite and its emotionless, as you've tried to say goodbye so many other times and so many other ways, that you've exhausted all other emotions. You're left feeling nothing but numb and empty, not quite able to believe that its really happened. I did this today, so trust me I know.
But, I hear you saying, how do you know you'll never see or speak to this person again? The answer is I don't. In my heart, I'm not even sure I believe its forever, dispite what's been said today. I have known this person for 9 years and been in touch with them on and off throughout that time. During those years my feelings have been fairly consistent, increasing rather than deminishing. Do I truly believe I will never see or speak to that person again? I really don't know. I don't even know whether I want it to be that way or not. But if it is, and that was goodbye to 9 years and everything that went along with it - it was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done. All those feelings, seem so wasted by an ending like that, but what other way is there to say goodbye? We can't do nice goodbyes, not when it really matters, because then there is too much temptation to cling on. And we can't do bad goodbyes, because then there is too much temptation to apologise and put things right. If that was goodbye for good, it really was the only way it could happen.
Goodbyes are usually very sad things. Ok, sometimes you're just politely saying bye to a customer or someone who has served you in a shop, or sometimes a friend or family member who you know you will see or speak to again within in a few days - but mostly, saying goodbye can be a very sad time.
People come and go from your life and you rarely get the opportunity to actually say goodbye to them. When people die, you wish you got the opportunity to say goodbye. When friendships drift and eventually break, you realise that you never really said bye, it just happened. Sometimes we say goodbye, knowing that we don't know the next time we'll see a person, but we're not sad because we know we will again one day or that there is at least the opportunity you will. Other times its people we went to school with who we say goodbye to on the last day of school and if we see them again its great and if we don't then it doesn't really matter. With things like Facebook and especially the internet as a whole, we often find ourselves back in touch with those people anyway.
But saying goodbye to a loved one, that is the hardest thing. There is a scene in "Love Actually" which I absolutely love, where the Prime Minister is talking about airports. As it happens, he's actually talking about the Arrivals gate, but the Departure gate must be a very similar affair. People saying goodbye for short times and people saying goodbye for long times. Saying goodbye as people move away, go on holiday, or go away for business. Either way, saying goodbye is a heart breaking things to do. However, in most circumstances, you know there is always a chance that you will see that person again - that the possibility is never completely ruled out.
So what about when a relationship ends? When a boyfriend and girlfriend split up, when a marriage seperates, when people realise they no longer want to be together? Well I don't know about you, but I don't really remember saying goodbye to many relationships. I remember being told someone didn't want to be with me, or telling someone else the same thing. Usually break ups are messy and hurtful and the last thing you're actually thinking about saying is the word "goodbye". In most cases we don't want to see the person again, or if you do then its a one sided thing and they no longer feel the same. Again you just drift by, never knowing if you might catch a glimpse of that person, or bump into them somewhere. In marriages and seperations, where children are involved, you rarely get to really say goodbye. You say it to the relationship, to the marriage, but you know that person will still remain in your life forever - you'll always see them.
But how many times have you been knowingly able to say goodbye to a relationship? How many times have you been given the opportunity to say "Goodbye, I know I'll never see you again." For whatever reason, you have decided the relationship won't work and its over. You know that you can't possibly see or speak to each other and you have to cut the final thread, saying goodbye to that person for good. Its polite and its emotionless, as you've tried to say goodbye so many other times and so many other ways, that you've exhausted all other emotions. You're left feeling nothing but numb and empty, not quite able to believe that its really happened. I did this today, so trust me I know.
But, I hear you saying, how do you know you'll never see or speak to this person again? The answer is I don't. In my heart, I'm not even sure I believe its forever, dispite what's been said today. I have known this person for 9 years and been in touch with them on and off throughout that time. During those years my feelings have been fairly consistent, increasing rather than deminishing. Do I truly believe I will never see or speak to that person again? I really don't know. I don't even know whether I want it to be that way or not. But if it is, and that was goodbye to 9 years and everything that went along with it - it was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done. All those feelings, seem so wasted by an ending like that, but what other way is there to say goodbye? We can't do nice goodbyes, not when it really matters, because then there is too much temptation to cling on. And we can't do bad goodbyes, because then there is too much temptation to apologise and put things right. If that was goodbye for good, it really was the only way it could happen.
Thursday, 22 July 2010
Too many thoughts to decide on an appropriate title...
Today I feel sad, but not really for a bad reason - in fact, I suppose for a good reason. Do you ever have one of those days, when you face all the feelings that you normally keep locked up tight, that you struggle to keep on top of on a daily basis? Today is one of those days. A day when you open your heart up to someone and as you're saying the words, all the emotion attached to them, hits you like an avalanche.
Mums are awesome aren't they? I mean, they all have their bad days where they moan too much and they're in your business, but generally mum's are amazing. My mum IS amazing.
I remember about 3 years ago, when I told her about a relationship I'd had with someone who was 8-9 years younger than me. I remember watching her take it all in, her head almost exploding at all the information and then her just being incredibly normal about it. I remember that she didn't question what I felt or how I acted, but just accepted unconditionally. I remember that when I left my husband and tried to start a different life, how helpful she was and how understanding she tried to be. I remember above all else that I was amazed at just how great she was about everything.
Now, all these years later, here I am leaving my husband again - this time for good - and how amazingly supporting she's being. For the last few weeks, she's bent over backwards to lend me her car, to give me some of the freedom I've been desperately seeking and to make the situation I'm going through, just a little easier. Today once more, she showed me just how incredibly awesome she is.
I never meant to pour my heart out to her, I don't even know how the subject came up but yet I found myself, cup of tea in hand, telling her about things in my life that I never really thought she'd understand, let alone be supportive of. I told her about someone I'd been in touch with recently and feelings I had. I told her about a Tuesday a few weeks ago and the space in between. I told her that it felt like I was getting over not only a marriage, but a heart break at the same time.
Not only did she listen (and not fall off the sofa in surprise) but she actually tried to help. She offered solutions and encouragement until the point that I was left with nothing but tears.
It was at this point, I attempted a getaway, knowing that my emotions were getting to the point that I didn't want anyone else to see. Her parting words to me were "I wasn't brought up on Disney, but I still like happy endings" and it was with that I quickly dived into my car and drove away, through the blur of tears I was then crying.
I know my mum will probably never read this blog but I really just wanted to get down in words how amazing I think she is. I hope that, when my children are older, they will look at me and think exactly the same.
Mums are awesome aren't they? I mean, they all have their bad days where they moan too much and they're in your business, but generally mum's are amazing. My mum IS amazing.
I remember about 3 years ago, when I told her about a relationship I'd had with someone who was 8-9 years younger than me. I remember watching her take it all in, her head almost exploding at all the information and then her just being incredibly normal about it. I remember that she didn't question what I felt or how I acted, but just accepted unconditionally. I remember that when I left my husband and tried to start a different life, how helpful she was and how understanding she tried to be. I remember above all else that I was amazed at just how great she was about everything.
Now, all these years later, here I am leaving my husband again - this time for good - and how amazingly supporting she's being. For the last few weeks, she's bent over backwards to lend me her car, to give me some of the freedom I've been desperately seeking and to make the situation I'm going through, just a little easier. Today once more, she showed me just how incredibly awesome she is.
I never meant to pour my heart out to her, I don't even know how the subject came up but yet I found myself, cup of tea in hand, telling her about things in my life that I never really thought she'd understand, let alone be supportive of. I told her about someone I'd been in touch with recently and feelings I had. I told her about a Tuesday a few weeks ago and the space in between. I told her that it felt like I was getting over not only a marriage, but a heart break at the same time.
Not only did she listen (and not fall off the sofa in surprise) but she actually tried to help. She offered solutions and encouragement until the point that I was left with nothing but tears.
It was at this point, I attempted a getaway, knowing that my emotions were getting to the point that I didn't want anyone else to see. Her parting words to me were "I wasn't brought up on Disney, but I still like happy endings" and it was with that I quickly dived into my car and drove away, through the blur of tears I was then crying.
I know my mum will probably never read this blog but I really just wanted to get down in words how amazing I think she is. I hope that, when my children are older, they will look at me and think exactly the same.
“Mother is the one we count on for the things that matter most of all.”
-Katherine Butler Hathaway
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