I just wanted to post that I'm still alive and struggling on. Life has been pretty up and down recently and when its good - I just want to make the most of being happy and not blog too much about the lows and when its bad - I just want to bury my head and forget all about it and so can't really blog.
I do want to make a post soon though, about friends and friendship. These last few weeks I wouldn't have got through without some of the most awesome friends a person could have. I could easily get into it right now but since I wasn't sitting down to do that just yet, I won't.
Anyway, life is ok and I'm doing ok. The sun is shining and today is a good day. Gradually there are more good days than bad days and so its all good by me. I will update again soon, one I've managed to prioritise my life a bit better.
Over and out.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Friday, 13 August 2010
Deckleswood.com
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Lonely
I'm so so lonely tonight. That's really all I can bring myself to say about it.
I just needed to say it "out loud".
I just needed to say it "out loud".
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Goodbyes
"Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything I thought I knew"
Goodbyes are usually very sad things. Ok, sometimes you're just politely saying bye to a customer or someone who has served you in a shop, or sometimes a friend or family member who you know you will see or speak to again within in a few days - but mostly, saying goodbye can be a very sad time.
People come and go from your life and you rarely get the opportunity to actually say goodbye to them. When people die, you wish you got the opportunity to say goodbye. When friendships drift and eventually break, you realise that you never really said bye, it just happened. Sometimes we say goodbye, knowing that we don't know the next time we'll see a person, but we're not sad because we know we will again one day or that there is at least the opportunity you will. Other times its people we went to school with who we say goodbye to on the last day of school and if we see them again its great and if we don't then it doesn't really matter. With things like Facebook and especially the internet as a whole, we often find ourselves back in touch with those people anyway.
But saying goodbye to a loved one, that is the hardest thing. There is a scene in "Love Actually" which I absolutely love, where the Prime Minister is talking about airports. As it happens, he's actually talking about the Arrivals gate, but the Departure gate must be a very similar affair. People saying goodbye for short times and people saying goodbye for long times. Saying goodbye as people move away, go on holiday, or go away for business. Either way, saying goodbye is a heart breaking things to do. However, in most circumstances, you know there is always a chance that you will see that person again - that the possibility is never completely ruled out.
So what about when a relationship ends? When a boyfriend and girlfriend split up, when a marriage seperates, when people realise they no longer want to be together? Well I don't know about you, but I don't really remember saying goodbye to many relationships. I remember being told someone didn't want to be with me, or telling someone else the same thing. Usually break ups are messy and hurtful and the last thing you're actually thinking about saying is the word "goodbye". In most cases we don't want to see the person again, or if you do then its a one sided thing and they no longer feel the same. Again you just drift by, never knowing if you might catch a glimpse of that person, or bump into them somewhere. In marriages and seperations, where children are involved, you rarely get to really say goodbye. You say it to the relationship, to the marriage, but you know that person will still remain in your life forever - you'll always see them.
But how many times have you been knowingly able to say goodbye to a relationship? How many times have you been given the opportunity to say "Goodbye, I know I'll never see you again." For whatever reason, you have decided the relationship won't work and its over. You know that you can't possibly see or speak to each other and you have to cut the final thread, saying goodbye to that person for good. Its polite and its emotionless, as you've tried to say goodbye so many other times and so many other ways, that you've exhausted all other emotions. You're left feeling nothing but numb and empty, not quite able to believe that its really happened. I did this today, so trust me I know.
But, I hear you saying, how do you know you'll never see or speak to this person again? The answer is I don't. In my heart, I'm not even sure I believe its forever, dispite what's been said today. I have known this person for 9 years and been in touch with them on and off throughout that time. During those years my feelings have been fairly consistent, increasing rather than deminishing. Do I truly believe I will never see or speak to that person again? I really don't know. I don't even know whether I want it to be that way or not. But if it is, and that was goodbye to 9 years and everything that went along with it - it was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done. All those feelings, seem so wasted by an ending like that, but what other way is there to say goodbye? We can't do nice goodbyes, not when it really matters, because then there is too much temptation to cling on. And we can't do bad goodbyes, because then there is too much temptation to apologise and put things right. If that was goodbye for good, it really was the only way it could happen.
Goodbyes are usually very sad things. Ok, sometimes you're just politely saying bye to a customer or someone who has served you in a shop, or sometimes a friend or family member who you know you will see or speak to again within in a few days - but mostly, saying goodbye can be a very sad time.
People come and go from your life and you rarely get the opportunity to actually say goodbye to them. When people die, you wish you got the opportunity to say goodbye. When friendships drift and eventually break, you realise that you never really said bye, it just happened. Sometimes we say goodbye, knowing that we don't know the next time we'll see a person, but we're not sad because we know we will again one day or that there is at least the opportunity you will. Other times its people we went to school with who we say goodbye to on the last day of school and if we see them again its great and if we don't then it doesn't really matter. With things like Facebook and especially the internet as a whole, we often find ourselves back in touch with those people anyway.
But saying goodbye to a loved one, that is the hardest thing. There is a scene in "Love Actually" which I absolutely love, where the Prime Minister is talking about airports. As it happens, he's actually talking about the Arrivals gate, but the Departure gate must be a very similar affair. People saying goodbye for short times and people saying goodbye for long times. Saying goodbye as people move away, go on holiday, or go away for business. Either way, saying goodbye is a heart breaking things to do. However, in most circumstances, you know there is always a chance that you will see that person again - that the possibility is never completely ruled out.
So what about when a relationship ends? When a boyfriend and girlfriend split up, when a marriage seperates, when people realise they no longer want to be together? Well I don't know about you, but I don't really remember saying goodbye to many relationships. I remember being told someone didn't want to be with me, or telling someone else the same thing. Usually break ups are messy and hurtful and the last thing you're actually thinking about saying is the word "goodbye". In most cases we don't want to see the person again, or if you do then its a one sided thing and they no longer feel the same. Again you just drift by, never knowing if you might catch a glimpse of that person, or bump into them somewhere. In marriages and seperations, where children are involved, you rarely get to really say goodbye. You say it to the relationship, to the marriage, but you know that person will still remain in your life forever - you'll always see them.
But how many times have you been knowingly able to say goodbye to a relationship? How many times have you been given the opportunity to say "Goodbye, I know I'll never see you again." For whatever reason, you have decided the relationship won't work and its over. You know that you can't possibly see or speak to each other and you have to cut the final thread, saying goodbye to that person for good. Its polite and its emotionless, as you've tried to say goodbye so many other times and so many other ways, that you've exhausted all other emotions. You're left feeling nothing but numb and empty, not quite able to believe that its really happened. I did this today, so trust me I know.
But, I hear you saying, how do you know you'll never see or speak to this person again? The answer is I don't. In my heart, I'm not even sure I believe its forever, dispite what's been said today. I have known this person for 9 years and been in touch with them on and off throughout that time. During those years my feelings have been fairly consistent, increasing rather than deminishing. Do I truly believe I will never see or speak to that person again? I really don't know. I don't even know whether I want it to be that way or not. But if it is, and that was goodbye to 9 years and everything that went along with it - it was both the easiest and hardest thing I have ever done. All those feelings, seem so wasted by an ending like that, but what other way is there to say goodbye? We can't do nice goodbyes, not when it really matters, because then there is too much temptation to cling on. And we can't do bad goodbyes, because then there is too much temptation to apologise and put things right. If that was goodbye for good, it really was the only way it could happen.
Saturday, 31 July 2010
A list of things that make me who I am... - Part 2
- I love orange sweets - doesn't matter if its fruit gums, fruit pastels, skittles, tooty frooties, or whatever. Orange are by far my favourite. After that I would pick red and yellow, always leaving purple and green till last (or first if I'm wanting to leave my favourites till last!
- Red is my favourite colour for everything else. For years I always prefered burgundy as a colour, now its all about red (although Burgundy is a type of red I guess)!
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Familiarity
This week has been one of the hardest of my life so far. On Monday, my husband moved out and after spending a whole day working, I helped him from 7pm-1.30am to move all his things. This in itself was an incredible rollercoaster of emotions, resulting in lots of wine with a friend and no sleep until 6am (being up again at 9am). In fact, this week has largely been about not much sleep, having had only 1hr between 6am and 7am this morning too. Really, I should be in bed right now I suppose and I'll go, once I've written this post.
Over the last few days, I have formed many posts in my head - on a variety of thoughts. However with everything that's been going on, sitting down and writing my thoughts onto paper (or computer screen), hasn't been at the top of my list of things to do. I decided that once I've had a week or so of the current situation, I'll write about how it feels now my husband has moved out, but those feelings are so up and down at the moment I'm not sure I could put it into words anyway.
So the point of this particular post was familiarity and how it effects your feelings I suppose. You know when you know someone really well, and you're used to their company, you understand how they think and their reactions to certain things... you're familiar with them. With this comes a comfortableness and of course a certain amount of feelings. Something I have noticed over the last few weeks, is that familiarity can actually cause a huge amount of confussion. The thing I am dealing with at the moment, is does familiarity effect the way you feel about people, can it make you think you have feelings, or possibly even love, when maybe its nothing more than that familiar feeling. How do you know? How can you tell whether its love or if its just something familiar, something reliable, someone you know and understand.
Right now I guess I'm a little bit scared of the future and what it might bring. The thought of starting a relationship from the beginning again (even though I have no intention of doing so any time soon - its something I will need to consider one day), getting to know someone again, it honestly terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, there are some lovely parts to the first few weeks of a relationship - the romance, the passion, being swept away in the moment. First kisses, first hugs, butterfly flutters in your stomach. All those things I miss from starting a relationship. But having to get to know someone, let them know you, explain how you work, what makes you tick, what you like and what you don't - all that makes me feel a little bit sick.
And sometimes, when I'm low, I wonder if it would be better to have someone than no one, to tolerate an average relationship, rather than nothing at all. Because what if every relationship ends up that way in the long run, what if that's what relationships are, that there is no happily ever after? In which case why go through all the looking again and the learning and the understanding.
Familiarity with a person, makes you believe you have feelings for them. How do you know if they are real or not? We throw around the word love so much but how can we tell when its love and how can we tell when its actually just being with someone who understands you and who life feels easy with, even if just for that moment. When you still experience the butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation of a kiss, the sudden urge to just be held... when you realise that you don't want them to leave, when you miss them when they're gone...
Is that love? Is that just feelings from the past emerging again? Or is it nothing more than familiarity, clouding your judgement and making you think its something more than what it is.
I don't know the answer to this. I honestly don't. I'd like to think I know myself well enough to know real feelings from something you're just wanting to cling on to - but who can be sure?
Familiarity does breed contempt, but it also breeds a lot of confusion.
Over the last few days, I have formed many posts in my head - on a variety of thoughts. However with everything that's been going on, sitting down and writing my thoughts onto paper (or computer screen), hasn't been at the top of my list of things to do. I decided that once I've had a week or so of the current situation, I'll write about how it feels now my husband has moved out, but those feelings are so up and down at the moment I'm not sure I could put it into words anyway.
So the point of this particular post was familiarity and how it effects your feelings I suppose. You know when you know someone really well, and you're used to their company, you understand how they think and their reactions to certain things... you're familiar with them. With this comes a comfortableness and of course a certain amount of feelings. Something I have noticed over the last few weeks, is that familiarity can actually cause a huge amount of confussion. The thing I am dealing with at the moment, is does familiarity effect the way you feel about people, can it make you think you have feelings, or possibly even love, when maybe its nothing more than that familiar feeling. How do you know? How can you tell whether its love or if its just something familiar, something reliable, someone you know and understand.
Right now I guess I'm a little bit scared of the future and what it might bring. The thought of starting a relationship from the beginning again (even though I have no intention of doing so any time soon - its something I will need to consider one day), getting to know someone again, it honestly terrifies me. Don't get me wrong, there are some lovely parts to the first few weeks of a relationship - the romance, the passion, being swept away in the moment. First kisses, first hugs, butterfly flutters in your stomach. All those things I miss from starting a relationship. But having to get to know someone, let them know you, explain how you work, what makes you tick, what you like and what you don't - all that makes me feel a little bit sick.
And sometimes, when I'm low, I wonder if it would be better to have someone than no one, to tolerate an average relationship, rather than nothing at all. Because what if every relationship ends up that way in the long run, what if that's what relationships are, that there is no happily ever after? In which case why go through all the looking again and the learning and the understanding.
Familiarity with a person, makes you believe you have feelings for them. How do you know if they are real or not? We throw around the word love so much but how can we tell when its love and how can we tell when its actually just being with someone who understands you and who life feels easy with, even if just for that moment. When you still experience the butterflies in your stomach, the anticipation of a kiss, the sudden urge to just be held... when you realise that you don't want them to leave, when you miss them when they're gone...
Is that love? Is that just feelings from the past emerging again? Or is it nothing more than familiarity, clouding your judgement and making you think its something more than what it is.
I don't know the answer to this. I honestly don't. I'd like to think I know myself well enough to know real feelings from something you're just wanting to cling on to - but who can be sure?
Familiarity does breed contempt, but it also breeds a lot of confusion.
Monday, 26 July 2010
Irony
Alanis Morissette thinks that she knows a bit about irony, but let me tell you this - I could teach her a thing or two about it.
When a relationship falls apart, there is always a lot of questions to be answered. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with them? Where did it all go wrong? Could we have done more? And in answering these questions, we always come up with answers we probably already knew deep down anyway.
My husband and are separating and it's a mutual decision. We haven't ever really been functional to be honest but there has been love. Unfortunately though we've now gotten to the stage when it's love for the wrong reasons and not necessarily being IN love. Whatever his reasons for wanting this separation, I can't really be sure because to be honest he never talks about how he feels. For me though it's a combination of things, one of which is that he's not really the person I've always wanted him to be, or hoped he would be.
If you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I'm looking for the Disney dream, for the Happily Ever After, for a ride off into the sunset. Whilst this might be partly true, the real truth is a lot simpler than that. All I really want is to be happy and to have someone who at least attempts to get to know me, to understand me and above all of course to love me.
One of the things that has always hurt me is how little my husband seems to know me over certain things and how uninterested he is to learn. Like for example; knowing that when I'm upset, sometimes all it takes is a hug - or that when you make an effort or get a haircut, it would be nice for it to be noticed, rather than taken for granted.
The reason I titled this post ironic is because of the two examples I gave. A week or so ago, my husband asked me if I'd had my hair cut - even though all I'd done was wash it - and that it looked nice. The irony being that I actually don't remember the last time he told me I looked nice (but actually that was going to be a whole post in itself). And tonight the thing that inspired this post - a hug.
This weekend has been very emotional for me. I've pretty much spent the last 2 days packing all of his things up, ready for him to move out. It's been emotional for a lot of reasons really; relief, loss, fear, etc. and it's been pretty tough to get through. I've cried a lot and freaked out a lot but mostly I've just felt sad. 7 years of relationship is a lot to say goodbye to and a lot to pack away in boxes. Having our 2 children, owning our own restaurant, the holidays we've been on, the things we've shared. The highs, the lows and all the in-between. Whilst I know that we can't be together any more and that we'll both be happier this way, it's hard to let it go.
On top of that I've had to tell our eldest daughter what's happening and watch her cry too. Holding yourself together for someone else's sake is easy but then when that's gone - when the kids are in bed - what reason is there not to just fall apart.
When my husband got home from work tonight, we spoke briefly about things; moving out, how we felt, how we presumed the other person felt etc. Needless to say I ended up in tears. And here is the irony. Whenever I have been upset in the past, a hug is rarely offered. When I've even said that I need a hug, it's actually rarely offered. Tonight, within seconds if me getting upset, he asked if I wanted a hug. And for a brief second, I caught myself wishing that things had been different, that he'd taken the time to understand me and to care about what I needed. But the moment passed quickly and I knew that this separation was about much more than a hug. About much more than what we think we need from a partner.
So here's some more irony for you - why when you have someone who cares, even if only a little, would you swap it for (possible) eternal loneliness? Is a bad relationship better than no relationship? Obviously I don't really know the answer to this at the moment but I'm hoping the answer is no. I'm doing all this for the possibility of more... and yes there is a chance that I might not meet anyone else who cares, even just a small amount - but at least now I have the possibility, the opportunity, the openness to find out. I just hope that in the long run, that is the right choice.
When a relationship falls apart, there is always a lot of questions to be answered. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with them? Where did it all go wrong? Could we have done more? And in answering these questions, we always come up with answers we probably already knew deep down anyway.
My husband and are separating and it's a mutual decision. We haven't ever really been functional to be honest but there has been love. Unfortunately though we've now gotten to the stage when it's love for the wrong reasons and not necessarily being IN love. Whatever his reasons for wanting this separation, I can't really be sure because to be honest he never talks about how he feels. For me though it's a combination of things, one of which is that he's not really the person I've always wanted him to be, or hoped he would be.
If you ask anyone who knows me, they will tell you that I'm looking for the Disney dream, for the Happily Ever After, for a ride off into the sunset. Whilst this might be partly true, the real truth is a lot simpler than that. All I really want is to be happy and to have someone who at least attempts to get to know me, to understand me and above all of course to love me.
One of the things that has always hurt me is how little my husband seems to know me over certain things and how uninterested he is to learn. Like for example; knowing that when I'm upset, sometimes all it takes is a hug - or that when you make an effort or get a haircut, it would be nice for it to be noticed, rather than taken for granted.
The reason I titled this post ironic is because of the two examples I gave. A week or so ago, my husband asked me if I'd had my hair cut - even though all I'd done was wash it - and that it looked nice. The irony being that I actually don't remember the last time he told me I looked nice (but actually that was going to be a whole post in itself). And tonight the thing that inspired this post - a hug.
This weekend has been very emotional for me. I've pretty much spent the last 2 days packing all of his things up, ready for him to move out. It's been emotional for a lot of reasons really; relief, loss, fear, etc. and it's been pretty tough to get through. I've cried a lot and freaked out a lot but mostly I've just felt sad. 7 years of relationship is a lot to say goodbye to and a lot to pack away in boxes. Having our 2 children, owning our own restaurant, the holidays we've been on, the things we've shared. The highs, the lows and all the in-between. Whilst I know that we can't be together any more and that we'll both be happier this way, it's hard to let it go.
On top of that I've had to tell our eldest daughter what's happening and watch her cry too. Holding yourself together for someone else's sake is easy but then when that's gone - when the kids are in bed - what reason is there not to just fall apart.
When my husband got home from work tonight, we spoke briefly about things; moving out, how we felt, how we presumed the other person felt etc. Needless to say I ended up in tears. And here is the irony. Whenever I have been upset in the past, a hug is rarely offered. When I've even said that I need a hug, it's actually rarely offered. Tonight, within seconds if me getting upset, he asked if I wanted a hug. And for a brief second, I caught myself wishing that things had been different, that he'd taken the time to understand me and to care about what I needed. But the moment passed quickly and I knew that this separation was about much more than a hug. About much more than what we think we need from a partner.
So here's some more irony for you - why when you have someone who cares, even if only a little, would you swap it for (possible) eternal loneliness? Is a bad relationship better than no relationship? Obviously I don't really know the answer to this at the moment but I'm hoping the answer is no. I'm doing all this for the possibility of more... and yes there is a chance that I might not meet anyone else who cares, even just a small amount - but at least now I have the possibility, the opportunity, the openness to find out. I just hope that in the long run, that is the right choice.
Location:Lincoln,United Kingdom
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